May two thousand twenty two

May 29th, 12:28 pm

just smoked some weed before my last shift at work. I spend a lot of time high on weed, it doesn't really feel all that different from all the other times anymore. my body just aches like a motherfucker for some reason. I think it was about to be on my feet for 10 hours after not doing that kind of labor in two weeks, but that doesn't even sound that bad. I don't know. I go in in about an hour and fifteen, so I should be pretty sober by then, if I don't smoke anymore. I also just had caffiene hit my system really hard. god, I wake up every morning to check to see if my local coffee spot has the stuff to make my regular drink again, but they're always out of at least one part lately. stupid first world problem, I know, so I walked further into the city to go to another place. I got my dirty chai at a spot I've gone with friends before but is overpriced. no one wore a fucking mask in there, too. I mean, they barely do anywhere. but why are the locations that white people love to frequent the most always the ones with 0% masking? lmfao. it was delicious, though, and I was the one that still chose to stay in there. if that chai was the last thing I got to taste before catching covid, I'd be like. ok. whatever. it was good.

wednesday went to go get her girlfriend around 10, and they just got back, and now are deciding what to get for lunch. they invited me, and although I usually only decline when I truly don't feel like hanging out with them, I declined this time because money and also they haven't seen each other in a long time. I just spent like ten straight days with wednesday, so I'd like to give them some breathing space to be ~together.~ I mean, I'm also about to go to work, so yah. I'm waiting to see if robi will message me back on discord to video chat with me. I miss him a lot. he's currently in genova... italy. he's probably seeing a million little amazing things. it's probably so beautiful there. he told me around the same time last year, it hit 110 there and they could barely breathe. it hit 100 in vermont when we were right by in last week... I don't think it's ever supposed to hit triple digits there.

they're deciding on dumplings... I'll probably ask them to get some for me. I cannot stop looping "otro atardecer" off bad bunny's newest album. that album may be my album of the summer, or at least this first part. god, that reminds me, I need to text my brother about helping him apply to community college. fuuuuuck,

8:03 pm


May 25th, 1:55 pm

A letter to my sobriety -

When did I begin to chase after you?
love, jo

I haven't done this in a couple of months, but the desire struck me this morning. our friend A spoke to me yesterday about revisiting his site. upon reviewal, I realized I don't really like the way any of this looks anymore. but I do love the journaling aspect still. maybe I'll work on reworking this site over the summer, since school's out. not sure if I can bring myself to do shit like this anymore, though. it was so much fun when I first picked it up, and it's not bad or anything. I just am off my meds and I'm severely bipolar.

wednesday and I just got back from a week at the cape. it was tons of fun, and it wasn't as agonizing as when I turned 20. the house I turned 20 in, by the great pond had a fire right before we got there this year. I got to go see it, it was strange. the room I spent the most time in was the most burnt, but the room I slept in every night was fine. the owner, k, has curled up all her stuff in it. it's a cozy space. I preferred the room that caught on fire, though. it was filled with beautiful antique furniture. when I contemplated ugly thoughts, t felt luxrious to lie on a couch that was worth more than most things I own. this year we stayed at her (M)other's family home, the house she'll inherit once M dies. M joked that we'd bring our kids there, before dropping it suddenly. we aren't the kind of couple to really have kids, she probably figured. true, I mean--the world is hell and also I have an iud that I plan to never take out (if I can even still replace it, in the future. lol.) I never let myself think about actually having kids with the people I date. I don't have anything against it, of course. stuff like that just seems so far away from me, really. I have never been able to envision myself as a mother. physically, I suppose I can't be one, anymore, anyways. I'm on t and I have no more tits to produce milk. I smoke like a chimney and drink like a... sailor(...?) no, the phrase is swear like a sailor.

I stopped playing music because out the window someone is playing their trumpet. it sounds good, but they only play a few notes at a time, before letting silence lull for a few minutes. I wish they'd play a song. it sounds like they're practicing something, though. it sounds melancholy. I've been crying on and off since reading the news about the shooting yesterday. this news cycle is the first when I truly have noticed how used to this we are, as a country at least. I don't want to be desensitized, and I refuse to be. I mean that we are used to in in the way where I read a high school senior post a notes app screenshot about how their worst nightmare came true, something they actually had to consider the entire time they went to school. I remember being in public school, myself, walking out when the parkland shooting happened. watching it actually unfold in my after school program the afternoon it was happening in real time. I think of CT senator giving his speech about how after sandy hook they had the surviving kids use the safe word "monkey" when they started to get flashbacks or awful thoughts related to what happened. the whole day monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey. I cry and cry because if I don't, I think that it closer to letting myself become more numb.

the oak trees on the cape were "weirdly" dying, I walked along the beach, high on shrooms, watching the erosion creep up along the cape's shore. I thought about the kind of beauty that stood there before settlers came. a pakistani family overtook a local supermart that had been in someone's family for years. the town hated it, said that the family had no stake in the history of the cape. but what made them less valid than your grandparents who came seventy years before? you guys are both the same, your family just had easier access to settling on this land. your family got to build a house to pass down to you, before you were even born. all they did was beat them to it. whatever, I bought a shit ton of jello shots and buzzbulls from them. I might eat one now, although a really liked them, and I kinda wanted to save them for him. they reminded me of these mini jello cups with pieces of fruit in it I'd eat as a child. they'd sell them in plastic buckets in the likeness of a child at my local supermarket growing up. my favorite used to be grape, or whatever purple fruit was.

I cut all my hair off again recently. t has shaped my face differently, so it looks different on me, this time. I like it, I try not to like it too much. I'm thinking about going off of T, soon, for real this time. in MA, some dude demanded for my ID because he thought I was some punk ass teenage boy trying to get into the dispensary. I was just riding my bike, but when he saw the F marker on my ID he stalked away awkwardly. lmfao. I try to feel safer when I walk at night, but when I'm gendered as a boy, it's always like either a kid or a gay man. it still sucks, I'm like a joke-man. a weird girl or a funny guy. I'll try to journal more often. it's fun.