I'm currently sitting in class right now. It's pretty boring so I coded a new journal page. I should be paying attention, but I really can't bring myself to care. I'm only in this class because I couldn't get into any other academics. It's a "required" course, which I thought I'd be struggling to keep up with because it's so text heavy and most of the grading are based off of these continous essays. I'm in art school so my academic writing is shit, but I'm actually doing pretty okay. I still can't bring myself to really care, though. I do the readings out of class and scroll on tumblr whilst still answering questions because I remember what I read vaguely and no one else is saying anything. I came from M's apartment, where I spent the night last night. I got too drunk and we didn't have sex. I stayed in the corner with my arms and legs crossed, playing Angel Olsen off my robi playlist and singing along drunkenly. I think she was surprised when she found out I was drunk because I can hold my liquor pretty well, usually. I was still upset last night about our night before. I asked her why we weren't dating yet and she said she doesn't know. I spend half the nights of the week with her, share a lot of intimacy, and we've been doing this since January. It's November. oh well. I said sorry for making things so serious. I think I'm going to start to pull away because I'm kidding myself. I'm young enough to have sex with and still not have it be creepy, but I'm not old enough to be in a committed relationship. She's 32 and I'm 23. What the fuck am I thinking? This morning I woke up shivering in her bed because I didn't want to spoon. She respected my boundaries. Once I let her spoon me I melted into them and we made love before I had to leave for class. we keep doing this thing where we talk like we're pretending being a married lesbian couple trying for children. do not ask me why I think this is normal. it is not. but it feels so good with her. we both know what we're doing is not going to end well but we are indulgent and disgusting and excessive in pleasure. hedonism. laziness. wrong time in our lives. the world is ending all around us anyway, I think. why not let her inside me and envelop her all over?
sorry about the oversharing. I had to express it somewhere I guess. life lately has been working and procrastinating on my thesis film, reading and reflecting on global horrors, and distracting myself with --woo. my professor just asked me to read a passage from one of our readings aloud and caught me off guard. I still did it though. I distract myself with substances and lesbian drama, STILL. been hanging out with wednesday and elliot a lot more. tea, someone I hooked up with once last November is back in my life again. we went on a short date the other night. we didn't kiss and I did the classic... "can I get physically closer to you next time?" and she said "let's make out." I can't wait. I am drawn to tea like a moth to the latern light. I look at their hands when they show me their process pictures. they're beaten and worn and beautiful. they're also really smart. on saturday I went with a big group to a Big Event that happened that i'm not too sure I should be posting about. despite not seeing her in person for a year, I invited tea to come drive with us from where we all reside in baltimore. it was me, wednesday, welliot, M, and tea. a strange group of lesbians. I admitted to M that I have a crush on tea. I'm not sure if tea picked up on the dynamic between M and I. it was an interesting but overall positive time. we all piled in the minivan and ate dinner together afterwards spontaneously. "the olive lounge," and I picked up a pack of blueberry hard ciders. we all laughed together and shared a meal in wednesday's childhood home. I almost wish it would happen again, all of us together. maybe it will... ?
tonight I'm supposed to hold a casual audition for my film and see R later. we haven't been talking much. I'm much closer to F now, her ex bf, her best friend, still her current housemate. F and I are similar in a lot of ways and we've bonded over it. and he get's along with wednesday and M. F is one of those genuine listeners that will really make you feel special. we cuddle while watching jeopardy. R and I used to cuddle, but she's been swept away by the new boyfriend. I always knew she'd come back down to us, though. he is not the answer to everything and I've been where she is now. it would be cruel to hold it against her like I've never been newly in love. I fall in love so easily still. I love being in love. I do it excessively now. it's really one reason to stay alive for me. I should work on loving myself more. maybe I will later. maybe I am now.