January twenty twenty two (T___T)

january 17, 8:45 pm

it's the monday before the first day of the spring semester. I'm sitting by the radiator, where my laptop currently sits. I'm waiting for a mug of green tea and a generous drizzle of honey to cool down. wednesday and her girlfriend E are on the couch, watching some kind of movie. I'm listening to fka twig's new mixtape "caprisongs," it's so fucking good. I don't know what to do with the "s.o.t.w." function anymore, though :(. maybe i'll do monthly playlists? i'm not sure. I don't have much time lately to code, and when I do, I'm too disassociated to even. function. augh, I don't remember taking meds anymore. I need to remember to take them. here. once my tea has cooled down, yeah?

I get confused with what I really want. t has been flaky a few times now. they want me to wait til later, but for some reason I'm annoyed(??) I don't care. augh. do I look pathetic? no. I start to look pathetic when I start to care, which happens when I start to worry if I look pathetic!!!! maybe I'll drink the peach moscato. how many calories are in that? don't answer that. how much weed did we go through? don't answer that. my life is too filled with bullshit for me to let this fucking waste space in my brain. (tears in the club, cuzzz your loves got me fuckedddd upppp) ((I never leave you now)) I'm not sure what's ever happening, lately. it's all a blur, my head hurts. do you think I have covid? don't answer that. how much more does everything cost now all the time? don't don't dont fucking answer that!

do you think all our journal entries at the end of the world are going to be artifacts somehow? will someone find this after a long time and wonder, what ever happened to jo? maybe not. if we all die, or whatever. I refuse to be fatalistsic, though. it doesn't have to be that way. my tea is cool enough! time for medications! maybe more weed. who knows... I ended up doing both. I'm still listening to twigs. this mixtape is so goddamn beautiful. it exudes... such a cool, soft energy. I started off this entry thinking I had important things to say, but I feel like I really don't have much to say. I should be reading instead of looking at my phone, but "coding" always feels better than just refreshing my dead twitter feed and smoking a cig on the fire escape because I only have one social media app and follow 160 people. blah. tumblr is too broken on my devices. i miss when i was 15.

january 8, 12:22 am

my favorite new hot drink is green tea with honey drizzled around the circumfrence of the mug. I boil water in a kettle I took off the sidewalk a year and a half ago. I can tell when it's about to shrilly whistle about thirty seconds before it starts. that kettle has kept me going through a lot. I put my mug--this giant red one I bought from dollar tree months ago--on the window sill. its about 20 degrees F right now, so hopefully the cold air will cool it down quickly. I like to drink green tea because it feels refreshing, although it's not good enough to ever convince me to leave coffee for tea. I drink one mug black coffee (maple pecan store brand flavor) and then follow up after some chores with a mug of green tea. I need my warm liquids or else I wither up and die.

I work later on at 6 p.m. honestly, not looking forward to it. every shift is like, ok? is this is the one? is then when I contract covid? ... fun times. I truly feel like we're at the end of the world lately. not seriously, just at the end of life as we know it, you know? I mean, I think we've been in this state for a while. I've stopped hearing "when things get back to normal," as much. I think there's a collective understanding, of some sort, not really founded in a belief of covid, but moreso in that it had just changed how we navigate the world and with each other.

reading makes me think about things a little clearer. pedagogy of the oppressed has been good for this, so far. I've been learning a lot, and I know it shouldn't astound me, but goddamn, some problems have really just been around *forever*. and a lot of what is written isn't very hard to follow, especially with my kind of privelege, I feel. I know that accessing theory can be hard, depending on how you learn, but a lot of the times I hear that people can be just a bit lazy. I try not to be lazy myself, because I can literally highlight a word in five seconds and ask the internet to look the definition up for me. I just think of the people before the internet who had to like, I dunno, pull out a thick fucking dictionary and hope for the best. I should the make the most of my resources.

ok, tea has cooled down sufficiently. it is very yummy :) oh... I bleached my eyebrows again! augh. I hated them at first... I think I still kind of do, but it's a little better now. they make me look more feminine, but if that was my worry, I wouldn't have painted my nails fire engine red yesterday. my acne is really bad, too, but maybe that's because I've been blowing through cigarettes like crazy. auuugu uguguugh. I didn't even write out any resolutions for the new year. shall I?

on second thought... probably not.

january 2nd, 6:30 PM

Happy new year. I slept through it. I don't feel a single thing about it
I'm sitting between Robi and Wednesday. We're all on our respective computers, doing fuck shit. Schools out and we're barely working and we're supposed to be isolating because of the awfully high COVID spikes lately. Robi came back from New york yesterday. I missed him a whole lot, he painted a portrait of a selfie we took a few weeks ago during finals. I got a 4.0 GPA my first semester back at school--and maybe my only one for a while. I have no idea if my school is even opening back up in the spring. everything feels chaotic. help.

I've been developing film like crazy and I'm even doing some reading. it's 65 degrees january second. the world is ending, I'm working on my hobbies. the readings I do help inspire me to keep going, I guess. I've been experimenting with developing, I even said fuck it and got some developed b and w film with my c-41 chemicals. They're not the best ever, but I'm surprised anything came out. I'm gonna edit them later on. it's supposed to snow, but just like last year, I predict more god awful bone chilling rain. I walked around in gross humid cold rain all day yesterday. a gloomy start to the year, but it was fitting.