Oh god. I'm sorry i'm sorry
I'm only coding this entry because I'm so bored in class. and it's a leap year february 29! and I'm filled with guilt for a lot of reasons.
I've decided I'm probably not going to ever really return to online journaling because I do it in real life now. but I think once I graduate in may, I will archive this whole site and make it private. and I will remake a new site with all my real art I've been making these past three years at film school where I can actually attach my real name and likeness. or maybe I'll just keep an "anonymous" site where I overshare a lot still, sometimes, because I'm always like that. I'm obsessed with telling people my business and telling others mine. what should I be doing in class? prepping my shotlist for my final shoot for my thesis film this sunday. or making psds for my cyanotype film for my independent study course. but what am I doing? I'm on neocities. I still really love neocities, I check on it weekly and am sort of jealous of people who still use this site regularly. I want to show people I know n real like this site sometimes because I'm proud of it but there's too much of my personal thoughts on here.I'm on my period and everything is annoying me. W told me I was being mean all week and I didn't even notice, which made me sad. I'm really stressed out that I won't finish all the stuff I'm working on in my final semester of undergrad. I'm working on three different shorts, one of them being my thesis film, the whole reason why I even went back to a hellhole private art school. I got an email detailing graduation ordeals I need to prep for and I cried in the video synthesis lab earlier this week. I was free bleeding in the grocery store earlier today trying to hold myself back from buying a rotissiere chicken. I succeeded, and bought raw chicken breasts instead. The family pack W and I buy together was somewhat cheap. at it's best (this past year and half) it will be thirteen to fifteen dollars. today it was seventeen. I'm having M over for dinner because I miss her (even though I'm on my period... I'm still hoping we'll do something...) and she's such a sweetie. are we dating yet? NO. did I take up another lover? YES. so it's fine. I don't careee. does she know I have another lover? refer back to the guilt part. yes, she does, sort of. my lover in virginia and I are progressing faster than anticipated, though. I really like him. there are massive red flags everywhere here. to be quite honest, I am a massive red flag anyway. I don't go to therapy anymore, I've been off my mood stabilizers for half a year, and I'm on t again regularly. I'm the most insane, horny, lesbian nightmare to walk this earth. I saw my ex with a man the other day. this man lives. get this. four houses away from where I live. they were holding hands and walking a dog. I was dripping wet with sweat from the gym (it was a now less rare but still uncommon 65 degree february day so I was slow to dry.) I thought about how this man was much taller than me, white, and blonde. I am "brown" and kind of a loser. I tried not to get in their eyeline but they definitely saw me I think. I hoped I looked hot with my hair grown out and tried to look less insane. it really is his season--pisces season.