march 2021
march 27, 11:47 am

warning to whoever will actually read this entry: this entry is probably going to be just a bunch of sad, angry bitching about myself and why I don't like myself, if you don't wanna read that kind of self-deprecation (which I'd understand) then just skip on by. I love how I'm writing this warning like it even matters.

this is the longest break I've taken from journaling this year so far, which to be fair, was only five days. but still, I am kicking myself. I didn't plan to take a break. I've really fallen behind a lot of things I've been planning out to do. I always pretend like I can pull myself together and do everything I have to do super efficiently. and it works for like a couple of months, just barely. but god fucking damn it, I am turning into an actual pathetic loser.

what have I been doing? that's a great question. I haven't been properly sober is so long. at work I'm hoped on caffiene and smoking two cigarattes on breaks, which like to be fair, isn't actually like not being sober. so I am sober at work, but then I come home and I smoke a fuckton, and if I don't smoke, I drink. I had a jar of vodka in my bag that I brought with me to make sure I was still drunk for a certain interaction I had to have earlier this week, but I forgot to take it out. so I just poured it into some drink on my way out from work, and I was drunk before I even stepped foot into my apartment. granted, I also felt really sick, but whatever, right?

my therapist thinks I might be experiencing mania. I try not to really make a big deal out of my substance use, I think it's pretty on par with a lot of people my age. but it's really hard to just not do it anymore, you know? or it feels like I'll actually kill myself. back in november, I think I drank about two litres of alcohol every ten days. this week I went through two fourths in about ten days, too. patterns.

my skin is so bad. it's the testosterone, the smoking cigarettes, the smoking weed, and the alcohol usage. yeah. if you value your skin, stay away from substances, unless you're like one of those lucky people whose skin isn't affected by stuff like that. also t is a controlled substance technically, too, which is dumb because it makes it so much harder to get your hands on. I don't even care that much anymore though, I wear masks all the time, and no one else sees my face besides wednesday and bagel bite. thank fuck, right.

we've been texting again, and I don't know why. I haven't told anyone we're talking yet, but to be fair who would I tell? like, seriously. who cares? I try to convince myself I don't, but I do. but not like I used to, it's really sad now. I could tell wednesday, but she's probably get really upset at me. I'm already upset myself. he invited me to the park yesterday, and I just got so high I couldn't form thoughts to respond back. it was a beautiful day out. I would've gotten high with him at the park, too, but then I'd be out in public high, with a person who makes me very nervous, instead of all alone in my apartment. both places make me so sad, but at least at home I don't have to pretend like all is good.

I'm just so alone. I can't turn him away, I want someone, NOT him, to like me how he likes me. I want someone to invite me over and ask to hang out in the park and smoke weed with me. I used to just hop on over last year, and even sometimes over the summer. the last time I saw him, it was so hot and humid out. june, right. now, I don't want to. I'm not even as busy as I make myself out to be, I'll be like "oh, I'm busy doing shit right now, but maybe later," even though I'm just sitting in my bed, trying not to punch myself in the face. so maybe I am busy doing shit, after all.

I'll probably see him again, though. as a filler. in the mean time. you know I could spend my time making friends, though. I have no friends here, not like I have back home. and even the ones I have back home? it's not the same. I'm so fucking alone. and I even like all my friends, I'm so lucky they're in my life, but you know what it boils down to in the end. I could never walk over to anyone's house, crying, asking for a hug, asking them if they'd like to watch a stupid movie with me. there's no one here I have like that. other people I know probably feel like that, too, I know. and they could do it with me, but none of us makes a move, right? so nothing happens. but I try, I really try to. this is such a bad, stupid complaint. I'm complaining about having no friends, but I do have some. it's just. . .

I wish there was someone who made me feel comfortable.

and that's a tall order. I struggle with being comfortable with almost everyone, excluding wednesday. but wednesday can't be my only friend. we both know it. I wish I had a friend here that I could trust, like wholeheartedly. someone I didn't have to think too hard about, about the way we talk, about the things we do. someone who felt like my friend, not someone who is my friend by also primarily knows me as wednesday's girlfriend. everyone I know here I know through wednesday. and the only other person who is my "friend" that I didn't make through wednesday is a fucking loser. a fucking loser that I don't even like.

it used to be fun to pretend like I just liked messing around with him, even though he was the one messing around with me. now I just get sad, I just get so sad. I think he broke up with his girlfriend, which is why he's getting more frequent with his texts. when I saw him the other day, he told me to watch out for the dog in the garden, and he had a joint rolled up. I left his front porch, and I left ten minutes in. I know he was expecting me to stay. like I always do. I can't even pretend like I want him to think I'm cool anymore.

I don't know why I force myself to see the good in him. there are so other people out there who would probably like me to be their friend, I hope. the free weed and alcohol isn't even worth it at the this point, because I can get those things on my own now, through other people. and he used those things to hurt me, a long time ago. these are things I won't ever talk about to another person, but it does feel good to write it all out.

today I will not smoke weed. I will finish on my portfolio pieces, I will set up my new bank account, I will try to go out in the sun. this week I will try not to make more bad decisions. this week I will try to like myself a little more. this week I will try to make a friend. I will be someone's friend. I need someone to be my friend.

march 22nd, 10:32 pm

what a strange, long day. a lot happened. some stuff that I can't even write about, even though I'm thinking about it a lot. maybe I'll be able to write about it some time later. it was my day off today, I woke up and did the dishes. I didn't really have much on my agenda today. my medication was ready to pick up, so I went to go pick it up. I've been going through lithium withdrawals. I got a $1 iced coffee on my way back home. I tried to use my debit card, but my bank is royally fucked up. I have no way to use my money at the moment. I was so angry I almost tore my knuckles open.

I drank the rest of my grapefruit juice before it went bad, and I bought it as a mixer for vodka. so I did get day drunk, but I'm a very good sober-actor, I think. if you know me well, you can notice that when I'm drunk I'm just out-going. sometimes. it's easier to talk. I picked up some mushrooms. I got home and wednesday was going to go get joz to go skating.

at the tennis courts I sat in the sun and watched them both skate. some gay guys were skating too, on the other side of the court. it was a nice day. the sun felt good, and I was still wearing three layers comfortably. good spring weather. we went home and got burger king (lol) and watched a lot of america's next top model. I was obviously really high. sobriety still looms over my head a lot, but it's easier to deal with a lot of bad emotions day-to-day, sometimes. I'll get out of it soon I think

my brother texted me, he was with one of my old teachers from high school, and she wanted to video call me. I did not want to do that, mostly because it'd be the first time I'd be facetiming noah, and I did not want it to be like that at all. I think he told her everything that happened that caused me to come here. she said I'd better go back to school, or she'd kill me. if it was only that easy to really go back, and go back for something I give a fuck about. my brother texted me about his new car, which is sooo cool. he only has a cd-slot, too, like wednesday. he told me he's trying to get vaccinated.

I asked him if he couldn't yet because my parents wouldn't let him. the vaccine is something my parents would definitely believe is some kind of evil chipping device that the government wants to put in us to give us the "mark of the beast." like, I know that's something a lot of pentacostals believe right now. he said no, he just didn't qualify yet, which is sad in a different way. I can't either. we both work as fast food workers, too. haha. anyways, my father does want to get vaccinated, but my mother doesn't. my brother says she's really lost it, and she lives too far in her own head nowadays. my father is majorly depressed, and is trying to work himself to death. I have insane parents, I'm insane, my brother doesn't deserve a bunch of wackos for family members. I almost cried earlier when I read that my dad wanted to get vaccinated.

cus it's like then he doesn't subscribe to the pentacostal warnings his congregation shoves down everyone's throat as much, which probably means he's less invested in the church. and not that I don't want him to be a christian, anymore, but just not that cult kind that forces you to turn away your own child if they don't abide to every stupid rule, like don't be a goddamn f-ggot. I still feel bad for thinking this, but I hope his depression helps him realize how badly really fucked up with me. like, I hope he sits down and realizes maybe a big part of his sadness around me could've been avoided if he never threw me up a flight of stairs and told me he'd rather die of cancer than have me be gay. I hope it hurts and I hope, if he feels any kind of remorse, he understands the damage he has caused.

march 21st, 11:25 pm

currently trying to re-train my brain into not taking itself super seriously. I wish I had the same social skills sober as I do when I'm drunk. it's easier to talk because I know no one's listening to me like I do. no one's hyper-analyzing my every word, because I don't hyper-analyze what people say when they speak to me. I try to repeat these sentiments in my head often, but it's hard. sometimes I just have to force myself to talk and I just black out the rest.

sobriety is a looming word over my head. I'm twenty, it's normal for me to use drugs a lot. I think. I don't know. it's been hard to eat lately without smoking because every day life has me so tired and nauseated. maybe I have to do a cleanse or just drop everything all together or maybe in death, I'll finally be able to rest. life is so nauseating.

today was okay, it was the first day of spring. or at least, that's when spring is to me, although others say it's march 20th, not the 21st. work today was fine, slow and boring. I opened with the only guy that works at my job, he called me a capybara because I 'just vibe with everyone at work.' I guess, I do. my coworkers shift a and shift m both know I do talk a lot of shit, though. also shift a simply figured out how I felt about shift k. all these shifts shifts shifts. I'm a measly barista. I do miss k lololol. she's still at the other store for a few more weeks.

I got home and day drank and made lunch for our day trip later in the afternoon. turkey sandwiches, dried apricots, brie, and pears. sparkling peach black tea and lime and citrus sparkling water. carbonated drinks are the best. we had a lot of fun, we drove to a lake thirty minutes from where we are in the city. we brought robi with us, which was really nice. I really like robi, he's very calming to be around. he's a capybara

we were in the canoe and paddled around for a couple of hours. there was virtually no wind, and the water was march ice-cold. the thawing waters of spring time. all the trees were naked, except for the evergreens, but weeds are started to sprout, lol. trees here are in the baby pink blooms, which are always so pretty. I think tomorrow I will go around and look at some trees.

march 19th, 11:03 pm

I would kill him
If you let me
I would kill him
Quick and easy
Your nails are digging
Into my knee
I don't know
How you keep smiling

I lovе your eyes
And he has thеm
But you have his
'Cause he was first
I imagine my thumbs on the irises
Pressing in until they burst

~ Thumbs

today was. . .intense? I went into work at seven, which was nice. I locked myself in the back of the house during my smoke break. we laughed a lot today, more than usual. I think we're going insane. we gave my coworker d a ride home today, she's one of those people who are such smooth conversationalists. people who can just talk and make it sound natural. I love people like that, and I also envy them. I wish I could speak coherently. I'm trying to be bitchier, lately. it's my true nature, and at this point, it's obvious. who cares I like being a bitch

and I guess by bitch I just mean a mean woman. I think it's okay to be a mean woman. you're probably always right. lololol. I think I decided to finally do shrooms, but I was also three shots of vodka in, and a whole bowl. I did see god today. shrooms and other psychedelics were drugs I never actually considered doing, but I've been talking about it to some of my friends and they generally reccommend them. apparently they can react with antidepressants weirdly, but I can only be on mood stabilizers. bipolar disorder 1 right idk it's hereditary, it's weird proof that generational trauma is real. or maybe we all made it up in our heads.

anyways, both parker and sylvia said they really liked it, and I know they have around or the same level of anxiety when it comes to getting high. unfortunately there is only one person I know who could sell them to me for really cheap. over the summer, he tried to get me to take one. looking back on it, it was the time he told me he brought is current(?) girlfriend over last week or something, and they took shrooms together and had lots of sex, I think. I was sitting on the couch very quietly. later that night he kept pushing me to try some, handing me a whole bag. I almost did, but I quickly bolted after something worse happened.

because I hate myself, I texted back to an old text and asked if he was still selling. he is. I don't know if I'll even bother taking them, though. wednesday can't really take them, and I don't know who else I'd take shrooms with. I feel like I'd have to be around someone very familiar to me the first time, but idk. but I keep thinking about it. there are a lot of people out tonight, it feels like my brain is dripping out of my ears.

my hair's at a stupid length, my eczema is flaring back up, my chin has an under-the-skin pimple, I feel bloated, my lips and inside cheek bleed from stress-chewing. I feel like a gross monster. I want to be held and whispered to softly, probably just reassurances. lately, wednesday's been away a lot. a lot of times when we talk recently, I do feel like I'm just wind passing through. I just want her to feel better. I need a friend, I need someone to tell me I'm real, the real deal jo.

march 18th, 10:11 pm

my voice is starting to crack? and other questions I've convinced myself are rooted in the placebo effect.

today was alright. cold, rainy, and grey all day. tomorrow's supposed to be the same. wednesday dropped me off at work, where I stumbled in half asleep. my freshly switched over morning shift a opened with me today. she's pretty chill, and we laugh a lot, so it wasn't so bad. people keep coming in earlier and earlier, which annoys me, because I can't listen to music and stock the food, lol. I "have to do my job" and "pay attention to any possible customers needing help." my coworker c came in today, she looked really pretty. not that she only looked pretty today, but it was just her headband. she has a baby face, my shift m pointed out. yeah, she does, I thought. I hadn't seen her face for so long before we actually had shifts together. she told me she wasn't expecting my face under the mask, either.

it was slow, then busy, then slow, then real, real busy. I smoked next to the dumpster. the rain kept falling. I wrote a lot of notes for my screenplay, which I hit fifty pages at. fifty in twenty-four hours in insane for me. I barely ever write past ten pages for each idea I have, anyway. and it's been an idea I've avoided so many times, because I figured it was too personal, or boring, flat, and unimportant. but I started writing it just for myself, anyways. I'm so scared of showing others, but at the same time, I feel flashes of pride. I want to. but I'm afraid, but I know I have to, anyways. if I even ever want to make movies, I have to show others my writing. and also, all the things I write about are things I care about, I guess. I'm writing them for the other jo's out there. Jo's who want more outwardly obnoxious lesbian romances with angry women and weed, somehow, right? some parental estrangement plot point mixed in there.

most of the scripts I've written in my whole life are from the perspective of a young woman, what I've always been. but I don't really try to base it off my life. I'll steal things from other people's lives, that's always much better. the gaps you fill in are always so much fun. but writing about feelings I have often, deep down inside, feels almost. . .embarrasing. how stupid. how do I get over this?

my skin's getting a little worse, but who cares. my dick's grown bigger, I took my eighth or ninth t shot this week. it's pretty fun(ny.) I have dreams of hands on skin on hands on skin, sometimes with faces. some faces are embarrassing to look down into, some of them make sense. I say that like I dream of many, I don't. I've been having a particular haunting one, however, I try not to think about it so much. but it's lips and laughing smile and high notes and sighs and cold, cold running river water. sitting on top of the rock, smoking, pretending that I'm cool. I'm trying not to look your way. but by the time I look, you're far gone. I should've said something sooner.

march 17th, 11:30 PM

it's not been as good as it could've been.

today was ok. it was my second day off of usual two I get each week. I woke up at eight, and found wednesday cuddling bagel on the couch. she left to work, and it was just me and my little guy. I cleared off the kitchen table, sorted my meds, washed the dishes. morning chores. I finished perfect blue, which I have planned to write an entry about. I smoked on the fire escape. then I smoked in the living room. ask me about how I keep my lungs in perfect shape.

I've been thinking about this idea for a long time. I sat down today and wrote twenty five pages on screenplay in one sitting. I just turned my brain off. and I read some of it over, and I don't even hate it. I'm not even doubtful or unsure of what to write about. I know what I'm going to add to it tomorrow. I feel like I think it's really good and all, but in reality, it's utter shit.

but I guess in order to write all of that and plan the rest out, I had to let myself believe otherwise, just for a while you know. and it's perfect because I know I can write what I want when I know it's going to be all for myself. no one has to see it. it's all mine, I can make it how I want. I love non-linear storytelling. . .I love meshing sequences where various sensations meld into the same one. . .I love repetitive noises and motifs. life is nothing but one fucked up dream. . .

I pretend that I can make bit and pieces of my life make sense if I try hard enough, but it's hard.

march 15th, 9:41 pm

it's been a few days. I'm tired and full of baked ziti and really weak breadsticks. bagel bite is asleep between wednesday and I. I keep rubbing right under his chin. I can't think straight lately. I've been disassociating so much more. I think my knuckles are so brown and bruised because I keep beating them on things, but it wasn't until they bleed when I slammed them into the bathroom wall that I thought maybe I just punch things too much. I smoke a lot of weed, so much. I've been going through two, three bowls a day.

today was my day off. it was the coldest it's been in a few weeks today, and tomorrow its even gonna be a high of 41f. I got an iced coffee and a donut for breakfast. I scanned the roll I developed last night. . .oh so bad. I tried not to get super frustrated. they look decent enough. we went out with joz for a while, but eventually left when it got too cold. we made dinner together, and now we're watching freaks and geeks. I'm going to smoke so much weed I forget how to think. my finger tips are cold and my knuckles are dry. this week is a hard week for me

march 12th, 11:55 pm

hello. it's late, isn't it? today was alright. my commute is actually incredibly less stressful now, since wednesday got her car. I'm not surprised she's being so nice by driving me to work (and back sometimes, when she's not at her job), but I really wasn't expecting her to, just cus she got her license. maybe as she gets a second job, or more hours with her boss, she will be able to less, but I am really grateful now. I get a ride to work whilst listening to the idler the wheel on stereo.

work is getting worse, but maybe it'll even out. my boss is so wound up and passive aggressive lately, and it really sucks. she just went on her two week vacation, so that's tight. maybe she'll mellow out. the customers drive me up the wall, but what's new? business is picking up rapidly. my arms are started to get sore where my binder pinches me, which used to happen a lot over the summer, which was still pretty busy last year. covid over or not, I know this summer will probably be incredibly busy. I don't even know how to process stress and fear related to the pandemic anymore. it's like don't even think about it that hard anymore, or you'll combust and explode.

it was all old (pre-covid) staff, which I secretly prefer over the new people. my bar parter today was my coworker d, who I had problems with before because she was transphobic. we talked about it though, and it's ok. she's a cis woman I'd probably never be friends with outside of my job, but she's not so bad. she's never been mean to me, but she's mean to a lot of people. it's like when you feel special that someone who is tough and hard is soft towards you. we complained about our coworker m who I actually trained lolol. I'm glad the way I felt wasn't me being crazy and judgemental in my head. but we're both virgos so maybe we just have an aligned bitchiness.

wednesday surprised me by coming to pick me up, since she got out of work early. oh, also, my shift m went to nights for a month or so :( my coworker a got promoted to shift a few months ago, and had to go to nights, which bummed me out because we were pretty tight the whole summer. well, since we opened up after the initial lockdown. so a is a morning shift now, which rocks, but I seriously require m to be there for my sanity's sake. they're so level headed and know so much and they're also the only other trans person at my job.

we got home and had some pizza before bounching again. we decided we had to go get work clothes, because summer was coming and we hadn't gotten new batches of worn out clothing we could fuck up at work. well, it isn't like I always get a new batch every year, lol, but you get the gist. clothes you were to work wear out quickly, and I can't justify paying new clothes money on clothing that'll perpetually smell like burnt coffee, have grind stains all over the sleeves, and mocha and caramel sauce all down the front. god I fucking hate my job.

so I smoked a ton of weed (not wednesday cus she's the responsible driver) and headed to second avenue thrift. it was slow, and also it was fucking insanely huge. I think it was a warehouse building. my haul was so good. I did a good job on shopping for clothing whilst high, and trying not to touch too much at all, and not being try anything on, or even press it on my body to see how long it would be on me. I just kinda guessed and figure it wouldn't be too bad cus half of the stuff is just old button ups.

I got. . .a giant oversized black knit sweater vest, a pair of cargo green shorts that are fitted and close with velcro?. . .a pair of old navy green cargo shorts (very baggy, very good fit), a nice short sleeve denim button up, a nice browny-orange short sleeve button up, a long sleeve peagreen button up, and a button up black and violet knit sweater vest. earth tones are my favorite.

god, we washed every thing as soon as got home. the water was so murky, sheesh. but we just really wanted to try everything on, and holy shit, every item we got was a good fit. wednesday got a pair of these really nice red shorts that make her look like a character in a studio ghibli movie. I was really stoned earlier tonight and tried everything on still damp.

we started watching freaks and geeks today, or rewatching since we've both seen it before. we made a good choice though. it's real good.

march 11th, 10:32 pm

I'm forcing myself to write this because I will regret not writing later. even though I really don't want to, I have to. today was shitty, but I got to go to trader joe's with wednesday, and we bought a lot of cds. I bought when the pawn, the idler the wheel, and fetch the bolt cutters. all in a day's work, right?

march 10th, 12:26 am

today was a long day, but it's alright now.

the bus never came, so I had to call a ride. I opened with my boss, and she was pretty much all over the place--as usual. I was on bar for most of the day, and I just blacked out. I don't even think when it's busy anymore, which is starting to pick up again. ugh. I just do my little robot movements and squint my eyes so it looks like I'm smiling behind my mask.

I was supposed to get off at 12, but I stayed until 2 pm. my boss forgot to send me to do the tips earlier. I was pretty pissed at the time, but I let it go now. I took the 95 home, and usually my eyes glide down st paul, but this time I didn't even realize. it's been a full year. god, I've been here long enough that I've hooked up with and ended things off kind of harshly with four different people.

sometimes I'm afraid I'm the common denominator, and maybe I am actually. I don't know. every casual sexual relationship I've had in the past two years I regret because sex always comes with some kind of feeling, even when it's 'no strings attached.' I go into these kind of relationships, trying to convince myself I like these people romantically, too. I don't think they ever really love me romantically, either. I'm kind of just this filler for some hole, probably. but I don't ever love them back like that, or even love them at all. two out of the four were convinced they loved me, but that was such bullshit. I don't know why I didn't just drop them after the constant pressure and the weird guilt tripping.

the first two we both knew it wasn't going to be some kind of romance. I was just trying things out, but I never thought about doing them at first. it was more like they started happening to me, and I was just like okay I'm doing this now. I was talking to wednesday about how I realized that while my friends were talking about how they've all cried over boys, I'll never feel that. I said all sex comes with some kind of feeling, right. well, the only feeling I got with men was regret, exhuastion, and doubt.

anyways, I got distracted because aaron called me. I was happy he did. I stopped by artist and craftsman to get a new bag, which I love. it's a tote bag that has a really nice adjustable strap so that it becomes a messenger kind of bag. and now that I bind, it doesn't feel weird to wear the strap on my chest. it doesn't do the weird boob thing it used to do.

I got home, smoked weed, ate shitty, shitty bad-for-you-too-sweet food with wednesday. we talked to her friend e and they told us about how they found out they weren't a lesbian, because they started fucking some guy. and also that they had a meeting planned to let a couple 'play' with them. they're vaccinated, which they said makes them feel less guilty for having hookups. I don't even really have the energy to judge people anymore. I could do was laugh, because they said they liked being a unicorn. I did judge that, why would you be with a man willingly?

I stayed up for a while reading and coding, and now I must sleep. I already took my meds and I can feeling them weighing on my eyelids right now. maybe I'll check back in soon.

march 8th, 11:30 pm

oh god I am so high right now. the new stuff we got is so much stronger than what we usually get. which is just shake lol.

today was a very nothing, empty day for me. I woke up hungover and not so good also because I forgot to take my medications cos I was so drunk. I also ordered a ton of food for us whilst very drunk and passed out before it got here. that was very funny of me to do. I ate reheated chinese leftovers for breakfast. yea. . . wednesday started to code her own site on neocities. she is doing very well, she is learning fast. . .but maybe it cos she's learning from me >:)

basically all I did today was smoked weed, sleep, and listen to super duper party people by allie x. I thought of a lot of very strange things in between it all. wednesday passed her driver's test! she's licensed and now I can get my mochi. . .also my film scanner came in today. my negatives were so banged up yet they still manage to come out okay. most of the slides were underexposed, so I had to brighten them up in gimp. I mean idk they are underexposed but I don't think that's so bad. I always force myself to edit to what I think is the most visually appealing to the biggest audience, but one, no one's really gonna see it, and two, I don't have to make things so complicated all the time. I lightened them up and had to mess with the colors too cus they a green tint to all of them.

I want to take more photos. I like doing it. I keep having visions of pedaling down miller avenue on my bike, which didn't exist back then. I think about long hair in my face. I want to know what it's like to not think about everything so much all the time is like. my body's changing again. . .I'm in a strange state of mind where soft hands, sweet laughs, and pretty eyes are all I can think about.

anyways, I have to sleep. I open tomorrow lolol. and I gotta come down. I'm being ridiculous, aren't I?

march 6th, 11:35 pm

today I woke up at 3:45am and got to work at 4:30am. it was colder than I anticipated, I think it was all the cool winds. I put the order away, per usual. I kept listening to chaos, but only after listening to two episodes of tiny meat gang. lolol. it was k's last day at our store for a month and a half. I guess that only matters to me cus she makes work more interesting, but thats ok. I mean its whatever. she made sure to say goodbye to me specifically. . .so stupid. god.

I got home around 10:30am. I was somehow even colder in the daylight of the morningtime. the streets of the neighborhoods I walk through during my commute are empty saturday mornings. I switched my email provider today to an encrypted service, for privacy reasons, because you know why. there are so many goddamn accounts associated to my current email account. this is going to take forever. and I have to set up a password manager, and set up two factor authentication on my money-associated accounts. cyber security and all that stuff.

I went to fells point with wednesday and her mom (they brought me a spicy chicken sandwich from popeyes!) to go to her boss' art gallery. and it was so beautiful. . .he was really nice. all the wood work in the gallery was his, and he had some of his own daughter's paintings up, too. he really likes wednesday, which I'm glad for, because I know she really likes him. he just misgendered her the whole time we were there, which really sucks because she doesn't deserve that. I forget sometimes that cis people have complicated issues with pronouns and gendering. which is funny cus its complicated for me, too. but in a completely different manner.

he ended up giving wednesday's mom a cutting board, which was gorgeous. or should I say is, cus her mom ended up wanting us to have it anyways. it is so pretty, it has a lot of mahogony in it. on the ride home back wednesday's mom talked to me a lot, which was nice because I always have a hard time talking to her, especially about myself. she asked me what my plans are for the fall, and I had to finally officially break it to her that I'm not leaving this city, at least not to go back to new york soon.

but she said it made sense to her, that I can't go back. I told her I was going to apply to the art school here, which honestly. idek. I mean, I am, and my only friends here go there, but who knows. I just want to go if they give me a lot of money, which I hope happens. on my fafsa this year I had to note that I've had unstable housing for a portion of 2019-2020, which is supposedly benificial for that kind of stuff. I get money for not having a home, maybe. also I feel bad saying that I was at risk of being homeless, because I never have been I guess.

I left on my own. I wasn't forced out at all, in fact my parents wanted me to stay. but it was cus they were preparing me to go to some intensive religious retreat to try and pray the gay away, lol. so maybe I was forced out, but only because I didn't think that going to weird religious cult conversion therapy sessions was going to contribute to my will to live. but then I have wednesday, who I know was always willing to help me out immensely. she gave me a place to live, she was a big part in the fact that I was able to leave.

I had no where in new york to turn to, I couldn't stay in my small hometown, not with my parents in it. and everyone not at home, was in a dorm, which I obviously also couldn't go to. I don't know what I would've done if I didn't have a place to go. I was extremely lucky wednesday let me come to baltimore, to come live with her. and aaron, too. I was basically just some rando sleeping with her girlfriend in bed in a fucking one bedroom apartment, yes three people in one room. that why I tried scrambling to get my own apartment, I felt too bad for taking up so much space, in such a small apartment.

and I was lucky enough to have savings, so I could pay rent at a local dumpster disguised as an apartment building for a few months before the pandemic hit, and all that good stuff. I paid rent there up until august, even though I spent half my time at this apartment (that once wasn't my home) here. then I moved in with wednesday, and I can save a lot more now again. I am not homeless because I have been very blessed. it would've been homeless or dead for me if I hadn't been as lucky. I don't know why all these blessings were given to me, but I am so eternally grateful. I just hope it's all worth it in the end.

march 5th, 11:13 pm

I have to go to sleep before my head explodes.

today was not very smooth. I woke up, and as I always do, I check my email. I dunno, just in case. oh dear. I had over seventy five spam emails spanning from 7pm last night to 5am this morning. it was an attempt to hide the fact that my amazon account had been compromised and someone bought stuff on it. and they did. and so I had to figure out all that fucking stuff right away at five am.

which, also, I guess, I had work at six. but I went really late, but it doesn't matter that much because I was covering for someone who couldn't make it last minute. I changed my passwords and got my bank to cancel the transactions, but it was so stressful. I told myself when I got home I'd make a new email and get a password manager, but I just broke down and cried a lot. my debit card doesn't work anymore, but that's because they had to send me a new one due to fraud. they charged me for that, too. sick fucks.

work today was fine. a side effect that t seems to be giving me is ~heating up really fast.~ I get so fucking sweaty sometimes, now. and I layer a lot, even in the summer. it's just how I've always been. but jesus fuck. maybe I have to actually show my whole arms out now. which is funny because I never, ever did, up until maybe college. I've always been so insecure about them, but now I don't even care but I still don't. force of habit, denial of insecurity. to-may-toe, toe-mah-toe.

I sat in the break room after my shift for like twenty minutes, just drinking coffee. I missed the bus that takes me really close to home by a few minutes, so I waited for the next one. I didn't feel like trekking to the lightrail. I just wanted to close my eyes and be in bed. as I was leaving my coworker k had come back to the store. like, we worked together earlier in the day and she came back. . .for more coffee.

it's her last day with us tomorrow. . .for six weeks. lolol. she's getting transferred to a neighboring store for extra support, because they're severly understaffed. it's the store she started at, apparently, but she doesn't really want to go back. oh, well. I was all like why are you back here and she was like why are you still here and we laughed. I said bye, and didn't even notice her walking besides me. she asks me if I'm taking the bus, and I was like oh no.

I know, I know I said I didn't have a crush on her anymore. but you can't just throw me in a car with her, ALONE, in SILENCE, and expect me not to feel ~~~~~~~weird~~~~~~~~ whatever, anyways. she asked if I wanted a ride home. she told me she's getting vaccinated tomorrow. good for her. my face was so warm the whole time. the car was very warm. she looks different without her work clothes, I probably do too. but all my clothes are work clothes. I don't make that unfortunate distinction.

I looked into her eyes for a second before getting out the car. amber-brown. amber-brown eyes are always nice. sweet in a thick, languid way. like honey. I fall in love with everyone who makes eye contact with me. it almost made my shit morning ok, but not by much.

I got home and cried for an hour because I sat on the floor and thought about my parents. these last few weeks, me trying to get my shit together, trying to be a real person, I really need a parent, I guess. to guide me or listen to me or just love me. a parent to hug me. wednesday's mom is very nice and I do love her, but it will never be the same. and what's worse is that its not like they're not gone from my life, dead, they're still here. why can't I get them to love me?

I cry so much, it makes me ache from the inside out. I try to think about the last time my mom said I love you to much. she stopped acknowledging me in person whenever I tried speaking to her after she found out I was gay senior year. its not like we had a relationship before that anyways. she was always angry at me for being too much of a boyish girl, or something. I don't even know. she's fucking crazy, but it's probably in the same way I am. hereditary.

we never got along, maybe once we did, but not for a long time. and I wish we argued about things daughters and mothers usually argue about. which is I dont even fucking know. I remember being a kid, her taking me and my brother to the library in a striped dress I hated. in the backyard with her in the summer, reading ladybug recipies. long, hot, dry walks in the sun. getting beat with tree branches

dragged up and down the stairs by my hair. I had long, thick, dark hair. so strong, you know. I didn't hesistate getting rid of it when I finally could. I never want it back again. slapped and punched and pushed and constant, endless, shouting. it would be so brief, you'd think it wouldn't happen again. and then she did it again. and then it was once a week, then once a day, then I started to hide a lot more than I ever meant to.

I think I know when she decided she hated me for good. I mean, she told me, I know for a fact. I don't think, I know. it's when my dad was begging to call the police because she was being an absolute-fucking-horrifying-oh-my-fucking-god-i-want-to-die-nightmare and I was just standing there, you know. soaking it all up. my brother was supposed to be picked up from school at that point, but nobody went to go get him. she never forgot to remind me of my ultimate betrayal. my sick, cruel decision to ruin her from the inside out. maybe I'd understand her, maybe, if only I wasn't just a fucking ten year old child.

my dad's a whole different other case. maybe he hurt worse, at least in a different way. I will never forget the fact that he told me he wishes I was dead. non-exisistent. instead of being gay. or if I couldn't go away, he said he wishes he had been diagnosed with cancer instead. he told me he had to respect for me anymore, and had no use with having a relationship with me anymore. not if I was going to be 'this way.' this way. . .this way. . .

at the end of day I'm left with a question for myself that I can never let my self forget about:
what kind of person do you have to be that you are so unlovable neither one of your parents love you?

march 4th, 11:58 pm

I am so tired

march 3rd, 10:50 pm

today lasted five long blinks.

I woke up at five am because bagel bite was meowing in my ear. I usually put him outside the bedroom and go back to sleep, but I was going to the bathroom, anyways, so I went up to feed him. I woke up again, shrouded in midmorning sunlight. I love when that happens. bagel bite was lying like a loaf in a patch of sunlight on the floor. wednesday left for work by nine, it was my day off.

I got stoned pretty early, and made breakfast. today was cinnamom raisin walnut toast with apricot spread, and an orange. earl grey lavender tea with oatmilk in it, per usual. I watched a movie, the bitter tears of petra von kant. I actually do have a lot of thoughts about it, so I'm going to actually try and write a film log on here about it. it has some strong visual composition, and god are all the characters just. . .deranged. that movie was so deranged.

I napped, probably. I don't remember the day much, it's all a slow, hazy spread of time in my head. I did a lot of day dreaming. I love to lie still, in silence, listening to the sound of my own breathing until I realize I'm still in my own body. wednesday came back from work at some point, we laughed and shared last night's dinner as lunch.

I tried working on some new graphics for my web site, but nothing I came up with for hours really satisfied me. so whatever, I'll try later. I also tried DSLR scanning, I made my own DIY film holder with scrap cardstock and everything. but either the macro lens wasn't 1:1 or the camera just wasn't that good for picking up negatives well. my state tax return came before my federal one, and it's much smaller, and yes, I know, as expected. . .I did already use a chunk of it on a film scanner. . .

I'm excited for it to come in. I desperately want to know what my shots look like. I love photographing, especially people. portraiture is so fun. from a personal angle, I just love trying my best to encaptivate the feeling of knowing a specific person. it's how you can show someone else, even if it's just understood for a moment, how you see them, and how you experience knowing them. I'm definitely shy in front of someone else's lens, but I truly do not care about that stuff. I used to never let anyone take pictures of me because I worried I'd look ugly in photos. but I'm ugly to someone with or without a lens. now I'd just rather have someone else take up space on a roll of film.

wednesday got her first dose of the covid-19 vaccine today. her mother drove her back and forth to pennsylvania. I think she qualified because she has a blood clotting disease. I'm not elgible yet, not in any state. I used to be in group 1b, then 1c, and then food service workers got moved again to group 2 altogether. wednesday is trying to get me an appointment, but I don't know. I don't know. . .I don't know why I'm not that angry that it's not as accessible to me. . .I think it's just. . .exhaustion. . .a default reaction to frustration, fear, and disappointment.

I wish I was better at trying to become closer to other people. I can't ever really read if someone wants to get to know me better. I just worry a lot that I'm bothering them, so I try not to message people if I don't absolutely need to. but just for once, I want to be able to be charming and easy-going. jo can never have it all (always whining. ..) I will make it a personal goal to try and actually go through with reaching out to others more. . .I just worry so much. worry wart worry wart. this pandemic made it so I can't cuddle any of my friends anymore and that f'n sucks

march 1st, 10:44 pm

hellooo I'm very drunk and high at the same time hellooo my cat is currently trying to get to my chicken nuggets. . .currently I am thinking about myself as not myself. you know? like who I am when people look at me. I started drinking while coding earlier, but at some point we called maggie and then we started cooking dinner and now I'm here. it's been a while since I drank this much, but that's ok. I have to monitor how much water I actually drink now that I'm on lithium, and if I don't drink enough, I will probably have a bad time after. I've been chugging water then, but then that also makes me pee a lot. this is also my first entry crossed so that's especially exciting.

I am also chugging water because I do work tomorrow, but it's at eight, so that's actually pretty late for me. we're watching house hunters, god I wish was not as self aware like almost everyone who goes on this show. I would love to have my brain on the level they're at. the level you have to be to go apartment-hunting on a reality television show. I would love that sooo much. I want to go on house hunters but it's absolutely deranged

this feeling is special because it's like I have no filter. I am just thinking. I still do have a filter to others, I guess but I mean just no filter to my own self. which means no filter out loud I guess cus I'm just typing out whatever comes on my mind. maybe I'll delete all this tomorrow. who knows? probably not. I love going back in time whenever I can and making fun of myself. but I realize after that first intial phase of making fun of your past self, sometimes you just surprise yourself. you become ashtonished.

I guess im thinking of what wednesday was talking to me about. how I think about myself at thirteen and being absolutely proud of being being gay even though my parents were very open about how gay people were disgusting and deserved to die. like they talked about it to me all the time. maybe they knew even then you know. like they had to tell me that gay people deserved to die because they suspected i was gonna grow up and being gay you know. well they were right but they didn't succeed in their goal. unfortunately.........I am still gay

im gay because im trans and im trans because im gay. I remember joking about writing an essay about how being a lesbian is already not being cis but ok okay im thinking about it but im too not sober to really explain. just like Men Do Not Matter To Me and not being able to Preform Femininity Well and all that good stuff. I'm really happy im on t if you didn't know. I'm so so so happy happier than I thought I could ever be so fucking happy man

I've always wanted to be a boy to some extent but being on t isn't being a boy in general and it isnt being a boy to me. but the older I realized and the more I start to let myself melt from the weird ice I froze myself in I think that I dont ever really want to be a boy, I want to be strong and I like being seen a strong person. what does that say about how I think about women?? MISOGYNY I know. . .anyways. . . !!!! anyways I know I can be strong now and like I don't have to be a boy I can be myself without having to put myself in the (throwing up at how corny I'm being right now ughhh ughhh) a binary or a box.

I love everything thats happening to me kinda even if I complain about it sometimes. I really like bottom growth actually and its improved my life and self esteem lololol. my skin is breaking out more but that's ok. I'm trying to figure out this new skin regimen and I know i wont be able to really figure it out until I know what my skins looking after a while on t. Im thinking just about my confidence overall I guess. I dunno I definitely don't feel like jocelyn or even younger jo. sometimes I think about changing my name but jo really fits me dont you think I just think it does but sometimes I also think about how that's his name and how I hate it and how I hate everything

whoa bad lane there! anywaysss I just think a lot about gender and sexuality and all that stupid shit but also now I'm trying to think about my adult life (???) and it's kinda fucked up. I just got a credit card, and I gotta actually monitor my credit score--which I also just actually found out what it was. its okay but I definitely should build it up more lolol. I think (its for sure) its because of my student loans, which I'm also gonna pay off part of as soon as the tax refund hits.

Im thinking I pay off this unsubsidized loan and I leave the other one until I figure out if Im going back to school or not fall '21 or spring '22. god. spring '22 would've been my last semester of fucking senior year of undergrad. why the fuck am I not even in school right now? I feel like such a failure. anyways hahahaha I think if I just pay off the first loan I will use that other money for a nice film scanner, and I dont know what else, but I'm going to force myself to budget everything.

yeah I'm gonna do the worst thing ever--keep track of my spending habits by physically writing them down and tracking where my weak points are. uuughhhhh. I hear the bird chimes chirping right now, I think its cus the wind is blowing tonight. my friends in NY are talking about how strong the wind is in LI right now. I really miss them. they hang out a lot and I always think about how Im the only one whose never there. its always just them talking about where theyre going and what theyre doing next. I miss home so much sometimes and why did I just call it home its not home its just the place where I grew up in and where I came from.

this is my home now it is isnt it. I dont really want to put any roots anywhere but thats impossible without being real lonely all the time and also Im in love with my girlfriend and I love living with her I realized I dont really talk about how much I love her in these entries but its true I love my girlfriend more than anyone I've ever loved in my whole life actually. but I've only ever been alive for two decades so really thats not a lot of time but still my lifetime is significant enough.

I just I dont know shes my soul mate if those ever are real right. I dont know shes mine though my soul mate soul soul soul mate. whats a soul. I love my girlfriend so much my favorite memory to think of when I try to calm down is the first time I looked into her eyes on our first day. that early december evening I was wearing a hooding and jacket over it and she was in this brilliantly yellow scarf. her cheeks were red, I figured from the cold. nope. her face is always pink. its so cute. I love kissing her face all over all over all all alllllll over. I love repeating words I feel like you can really hear the tone Im using right now right? anywaayyyyssssssss. (that too right?)

I wrote a lot more than I anticipated I wrote a whole entry really. I would be embarrassed of how crossed i am right now but I dont think anyone really reads these so its quite alright.. . . I know future jo will read these those and hey future jo chill out dude.hey and hey I think now I'm going to lie down and think about the scenario with many scenarios. lets hope I dont fall asleep without taking my meds. lets just hope