april 2021
april 27th, 6:29 PM

what a hot day. tomorrow's going to be hot, too, and the day after. then I think we dip down into the low seventies for a baltimore may.

today went ok. I went to work at seven, and everyone yelled at me when I came in. I won partner of the quarter, which is just employee on the month, but it's for three months. lolol. I was kind of hoping I'd get it, just because I wanted it before anyone who was newer than me got it. that's a lame reason, but it's the truth. it would hurt my feelings, but now I guess it's all alriiight. the pace for my shift was quick today. I was on bar because we were down a machine and k (YEAH) thought I'd be the best fit to make things go smoothly today. I had a yearly 'update' meeting with my boss, where she told me I was doing well and all that. her only criticism was the fact that I'm late most of the time--but to be fair, I'm only ever like ten minutes late at the most!

my crush on k keeps swelling. not only has it been weeks, it's been MONTHS now. this online journal has kept track of it, lol. I guess it also serves for a good transition timeline. the month of april will be pretty slim for journal entries, but I'm hoping may will be better. she's just so hot, in her black jean cut off jorts and beat up black vans. I have absolutely no desire for anything to ever happen, but I guess it just flusters me that I can't quell my attraction, which is just getting stronger. uuuughhhhhh. her hands are so cool when they brush against mine, and she makes me laugh a lot. she dances so that she looks silly and I know she's trying to make me laugh.

she's moving to the night shift again. she said, "I'll see you saturday for our last open together," and I was like WHAT. "you're leaving me?" I said. I get a dumb little lilt in my voice when I talk her, it's all gooey and stupid. "oh, fuck, did I not tell you? I knew I wrote down somewhere in my notebook to tell jo that I'm leaving her..." it turns out it's just for a few weeks--(maybe, she might change her availibility back to mornings) but she said she just wanted to focus on her artwork for the time being. k, I WANT TO SEE YOUR ARTWORK I WANT TO KNOW YOU I WANT TO KNOW THINGS ABOUT YOUUU.

anyways, I got home and showered and slathered myself up with my three different lotions. yeah, my ezcema has worsened. I think it might be a hormone imbalance, because usually it keeps a little rough in the winter, but dies down when it gets warmer, and more humid. whatever, it makes me feel really bad, and I'm worried it'll spread to parts of my body that I generally do show off. my arms, my calves, and sometimes. . .I wear tank tops! but only sometimes.

we went to the tennis courts with joz and I watched her and wednesday skate in the eighty degree sun. there were other skaters out, too. this cool looking girl came up to us and tried talking to us, but joz and wednesday resumed skating and she left. I wanted to go up to talk to her and be her friend. I told joz and wednesday, and they tried to get me to talk to her. I was too stubborn, though. I was nervous I'd make her uncomfortable by just walking up and talking to her again. I don't know, when it's happened to me, sometimes it made me feel strange. but maybe I should've, I could've gauged her body language and left her alone if she didn't seem like she wanted me there. but who knows. I posted a 'missed connection' post on lex, which I redownloaded just for that. whenever I post I briefly think about v or j seeing my posts, since I met them on there. but I don't really care.

I actually texted j because our last texts were, "I'll talk to you when it feels better." but I think since I was the one who said that, I really hurt her feelings. but whatever, she suddenly texted me saying she didn't want to date me, but I could convince her to fuck me again. that was some fucked shit. you know who could say that to me, though? LOLOL.

and v, idk. she moved here, even though the only person she really knew was me. and that ended in a dumpster fire, I think I'm blocked. I only know this because wednesday mentioned while looking at her venmo feed (which, why is that a thing) that v came up. I checked my venmo feed because I suspected I was blocked, and she didn't come up for me. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I even checked in the first place, but whateverrr. I just wanted to know. out of all the dumb fucking hook ups I had, I can't believe the only one who still talks to me is joe. that is so fucking funny. he wanted to hang I think, but I'd rather spend my time not hanging out with a guy who fed me weed and alcohol in order to fuck me.

I have this fantasy of telling him how it all really makes me feel. I used to think about it a lot last year, but this time, I do think about how fucked up that situation was, but I don't really. . .want to go back anymore? I kept talking to him for so long because I did still want that piece of him that thought I was worth enough to call a friend. I was so lonely. but now I'm on lithium and lamictal, I opened myself up to the friends I already had but was keeping at an arm's length for no good reason, and I think for the remaining amount of time we have left on this dying earth. . .I should spend it with people I genuienely love and care for.

I want to see my brother again. I miss him so bad. we text often, but there are weeks of radio silence, but we always get back to each other. we followed each other on twitter, because that's the only social media I had, and he had just decided to get one. he tells me he likes reading all the things I post, he likes how I make all my words sound so smart. he's always made me feel important. he is one of the main reasons, one of the only constant reasons, that held me back at my lowests. those lows where you're almost hospitalized because you can't stop freaking out and hitting yourself and crying about how you want to die. I would think about him, what it would be like to share a meal with his girlfriend, wednesday, and I.

you know, it's funny. my father would always tell my brother and I to keep a close relationship with one another, because siblings should always have a strong connection to each other. that was one thing he taught us that we both still practice, and that I'm actually grateful for. I don't know if it was really the active thought of "we need to be close," and more the trauma we endured together, but it makes no real difference. my brother is the same person as I am, and I am the same person as him. we are different, but in very special, intimate ways, we are identical. he's the only person on this earth with DNA almost the same as mine. I think. I don't know if that's a true fact. maybe I should fact check it.

april 25th, 2:00 pm

I worked with k today. I thought my crush went away with the bad haircut, but jesus. the haircut is not bad, in fact it's good, in fact it's sexy. I hate it. she has long, silvery strands running through soft, chesnut brown hair. gross. I finally told her I liked it, and I leaned in really close, laughing. she thought it was funny, too. earlier in the day, I said I couldn't wait to go home. she asked me when I left, I said, ugh, one. I don't get to leave at twelve like the other opener gets to. she laughed. she said (exact words) I'm happy you have to stay later. but it's for entirely selfish reasons.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN TO ME? jesus fuck. you know, it was fun, at first. to have this lame, little crush on some forty year old butch who you fucking work with. and she's annoying, sometimes, too. like I know this. she can be weirdly strict! for no reason! except she used to be like that with everyone, and now she never really gets uptight when it comes to me. maybe she senses that I like her, and she's humoring me. or maybe she can't tell and she just thinks I'm being a freak.

tomorrow's my day off. I was walking home today and noticed that my mustache is growing more apparent. my hair is finally long(ish) that it's no longer hold shape. it looms over my forehead, waiting to fall down. I kind of look like jake long is his roots for much shorter.

april 22nd, 4:50 pm

seventeen days later...

it's been a while, hasn't it? we're currently hanging out with wednesday's friend. they're pretty cool, we're all smoking weed.

april 5th, 1:18 pm

I finally got off my ass to make my next journal page. four months, already? yeesh.

I've been a little sad that I haven't been into html as much recently, but it's just. a lot. I'm just explaining my own actions to myself, lol. I probably will get into it again, once I don't stop simultaneously combusting and procrastinating. I procrastinate by doing other things, so it makes me feel like I'm turning and doing five different things at once. and when I'm not, I'm stoned and asleep. I'm not busy busy. sometimes I call myself busy just to make it sound like I have shit going on. no, I'm just suffocating in my bathroom with bleach while I develop and also hoping my computer doesn't crash as I edit my scans for my portfolio.

and then in between all that, I'm screaming, crying, throwing up, smoking, and being a general menace to society. work's been fine. I've been slowly trying to ease myself out of the really warped and fucked mindset I've cultivated, where I'm scared to work less, in case I do go to school in the fall/next spring. sick shit, right. maybe I'm also scared I'll lose my "usefulness" at work, but that's because I don't have anything else going on. that's why I just do so much so fast. I don't wanna pour all my earnest energy in work that is slowly destroying me. food service. bleh.

I got home yesterday from work and we cleaned up some dishes, went grocery shopping at trader joe's, too. we stopped by petco to get bagel more wet food, and I ended up spending like ~50 dollars on toys and treats. I love my cat so much. I have many bags of treats, but I don't give him more than a few everyday to watch his weight. but now birds are being louder, and we got him some toys that would make it easier for us to play with him, without getting our hands and arms too fucked up from his clawing. he finally stopped meowing so often in the afternoons, we finally figured out how to not bore him, lol. we also finally got a laser pointer. what fun that brings to us all.

we got home, put it all away, and I actually went to sleep for five hours. I woke up at nine pm confused. well, wednesday went to bed, but I got up. I called Margot (I love her new name, it actually was the name of my first pet mouse) and we talked for a long time! we didn't even watch a movie over the internet or anything, I was able to talk to a person for over two hours, and it was. . .fine! like, I loved it. I didn't crash. I guess it's because I really love her, and we're cut from the same cloth.

she's like. . .idk how to explain it. basically we're kind of bitchy in the same way, but I don't want to call her bitchy. we just judge people the same, LOL. and I don't lie to her about what bothers me, and she does not hold back either. which is something I really love, but only works with certain people, you know? I'm so excited to see her which could be soon because I'M GETTING VACCINATED THIS FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!! HELL FUCKING YES!!!!!

I'll also get to see Maggie. Margot and Maggie are actually my only two friends. like close friends, I suppose. I cried about this earlier last week, but I don't have any other friends in new york anymore, really. my big friend group never acknowledges my texts because they're always talking about what they just did together irl, or what their next plans are. and hannah. . .:( we just stopped talking. I think she may have blocked me, or just decided our friendship wasn't worth keeping up. which I understand, I was just falling flat in january. I would promise to call or text, and then I just never did. I don't want to bother her, anymore.

I miss talking to people I trust.

I need to learn vulnerability, which is proving itself to be arduous. not everything is so personal. I don't say these things out loud, when I think someone has offended me. but I hold unto them, and I don't let go. and I need to let go of an instance that never really had anything to do with me. I know the things I say and do people have taken personally, and I only felt negative feelings towards them when they wouldn't believe that I wasn't directing anything at them. so why do I do the same?

today, I will force myself to edit all the photo & video that is going into my portfolio. god fuck, I still need to finish those still lifes, though. I fucking SUCK at painting, but the only paint I like is watercolor. so I'm just doing some weird dreamy paintings of my own photographs, to keep in some kind of theme with my other works. I did this one of self timed photo I took last year, when I went into the back area of the apartment. I'm kneeling with a slip dress over my face. I took them on wednesday's DSLR, whose lens I manipulated by doing something some kid back at nyu taught me. you take some plastic cling wrap, and press it over the lens, then you rub some vaseline around the rim. it gives your photos a really cool 'dreamy' effect.

another I'm going to try to do is a film photograph I took of friends at a park a month ago. the trail end of a chaotic winter. I like how I managed to get them all in a perfect frame, two of them at either side in the foreground, and wednesday in the middle of them, but in the background. ugh. I don't want to paint, but I know I sort of have to. or not paint, but draw or paint lol. I'm going to have to anyways, if I end up going to MICA. something about portfolio diversity BUT I WANT TO MAKE MOVIES AND TAKE PHOTOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSS

I almost decided to go back to new york, but it's too late now. I have my state id appointment wednesday. I'll have a new state id. with my face, how it looks RIGHT now. strange.