JULY 2021
july 25th, 12:28 p.m.

today I threw up for no reason on an empty stomach. well, actually two ounces of iced coffee. it tasted fine on its way back up.

sorry I've been out for so long. being unemployed rocks. I woke up at eight a.m. and flossed and brushed my teeth and cried and freaked out but not really, not anymore than any other goddamn day. I'm meeting up with joz later, at six. I have the keys to robi's apartment, which she needs to get in and put her stuff at for a bit. robi's in the hospital right now. I hope he gets better soon.

today I woke up and lied next to her and said, "I love more than I thought I could," and she said, "It's the same the other way around." well, not really, but I'm paraphrasing here. I told her that sometimes I'm jealous of her. maybe all this stuff about being overshadowed and forgotten about is nonsense and I'm just insane. and it's not true anymore, I guess. not really. I need to get over all this. seven months into the year, and I can't even bother to act normal. it's terrible really, god. I've been in a manic episode this summer, says, well, I guess my therapist. I'm like, sure, whatever. but maybe I'm just choosing to be this way and I can stop whenever I want. I mean, I think I can. I can stop whenever I want.

at the forefront of my mind wades my mother at the lagoon. I never got to go with her, like she told me she wanted to. I imagine her as a little girl, running with her sisters. the water of the lagoon meets their feet warmly, the sun is heavy and bright. I wonder if her mother called for her to come home, come home. if she instinctly knew to go home. she left a voicemail once, her voice pretend-sweet, like it always is when she wants something from me. come home, I miss you, my mom said. we can fix you, that's why you're so sad all the time, that's why you have this evil thing inside you. I deleted it as soon as it finished. I didn't want to be able to scrub back to her voice, saying comehomeimissyou over and over and over at the fountains. the ones from my father were strange, like he couldn't find me when he was picking me up at school. they stopped sending them. I think I got only a couple this year. they started peetering out on birthday, or my father's. september to november. it's july, I have to remember. I was about to say, oh nevermind, that was only a little bit ago.

I miss him a lot! okay there I said it. it's been a short while, anyway. it'll all be o.k. I have some blueberry waffles I've been meaning to make for him. I've been thinking about getting an actually nice coffee pot lately. hot black coffee in the morning is one of my favorite sour tastes. makes me think of how the light hits your face winter mornings, sipping quickly to warm up, but you also don't want to burn your tongue. but you do anyways. (realizing sometimes I go comma crazy, am I forgetting all my grammar skills?!) I used to go on little dates with my sr yr girlfriend and I'd hold her hand while sipping at a large black coffee with two sugars. our faces were a little pink even, she's be wearing this blue puffer jacket, and I'd be wearing this quilted black jacket. those were nice times, I'm beginning to think. haha, I'm getting nostalgic for 2017-2018. my senior year of high school.

it's been three years since I graduated, which doesn't feel so long. but it has felt like I've gone through a whole lifetime. I graduated, went to nyu for a year. I met wednesday, I spent my summer of 2019 in n.y.c as an r.a. to a dorm that never opened. so I was just living in the city for free, and I worked a job to save up for the next year and try to figure out how to pay for my sophmore year. I took so many bus trips, so did wednesday. we'd hop from dc/bmore/nyc so often, probably every other, sometimes every weekend in a row. then I took my leave of absence because I couldn't pay my tuition bill. I left home after my parents wanted me to go into some conversion therapy bs, and I fled to baltimore. wednesday lived(/s) here, and I lived with aaron, too. I was so depressed, man.

my time in baltimore has been so unpredictable, but it's also been just fine. I still can't believe I'm getting top surgery in eleven--holy fuck eleven--days. I'm excited to see joz today, and aaron soon, I hope. okay, my computer mouse is being really weird, so I'm going to stop typing now. hopefully this saves before my computer predictably crashes on me.

july 16th, 9:43 pm

I'm floating beyond this atmosphere.

I spent the night last night, did some more balcony star gazing. in the hot night, I took my clothes off piece by piece. only she sees me like this, really, naked while I sleep, not naked while I fuck. already naked, I feel what it's like to melt into another human body. I wake up when the sun's already high. naked, I lay, well, not really, my underwear, the ones that give me dysphoria, actually, they're on me. later I'm told that I was being watch whilst I was asleep. . .

I worked on my zine some more. it feels fun, but I'm teetering in my head. why can't I be normal? where do I learn? we went out on a date, I didn't even smoke weed. a mother besides our table keeps staring at my short skirt. I think about this fact. I have to be high, I think. she tells me what I already figured. funny, when I told her she said - I knew it. I wasn't upset or anything, I just laughed. she asked for a conviniently empty apartment on monday. I'm hoping robi will let me stay at his apartment for those few hours. or i dunno how much time I should really give her. I don't think about these things too hard

I have work tomorrow, my last saturday putting the order away. a year of stocking, and here I've landed. good riddance, I'm thinking, I'm hoping. what will I do with all my free time? I want to read, but I never read. I am making some art, but it's all stupid and shitty. foolish me wants to spend all my time on nothingness, kissing hands, wiping chocolate away the corners of your mouth. the summers coming are only going to get hotter, I keep thinking. I mean, I know. I know.

in my head, my feet drag on the floor in the dark. my eyes stop searching out in front of me. your frame fits between my palms easily, I can hold all of you so nicely in my arms. I've never realize how comforting it feels to me. in the day time I see you, just barely. the deer in the headlights, I remember jasmine apologizing to me for making me look like she was about to run me over. I wonder if he thinks I look like a deer, too. probably not. I'm not really scared, anyway.

july 14th, 9:43 pm

it's been a long time. I did not follow through with most of my new year resolutions, lol, but I think I've accomplished a lot of stuff in the past seven months. I'm currently dripping sweat unto my laptop, it's hot as fuck, even at nine p.m. we're in the kitchen, I was working on a zine, and now I'm typing this entry. wednesday's on the floor playing magic I think. bagel bite is passed out and looks like he's dead, but I know as soon as I rustle a bag he'll come galloping across the apartment. I even have a bandana holding my hair back, because my hair just kept sticking to my wet forehead.

this summer is unlike any other, huh? climate change has been at the back of my head since I learned about it. the effects are hurdling at us much faster than we even anticipated. mass extinction aside, I hate the heat. I hate the excessive warmth, the permanent sheen of sweat on my skin, the way it exhausts you like it's burning at your soul and you're too overheated to fight back. tomorrow is another 95, but then we'll dip into the 80s for a bit. lolol. I ate five (5!) whole chocobananos I made earlier today. wednesday's had some, and I sent robi two. besides that, I had a crossaint at work, and a poppy seed bagel drenched in butter for dinner. not such a healthy, balanced day, but I try.

I finally found out what causes my ezcema. as I suspected, it is HRT causing an imbalance that causes my skin to freak. I got blessed with both testorone induced acne AND ezcema! how fun! I'm planning on going off it in a bit, my voice has dropping quite a bit already. my facial hair is growing quickly, too. I've been feeling better about the way I look lately, except when my skin gets really bad all over my body. that's not often, though, if I take care of it.

yeah, today was pretty standard. I opened, there was a month or so where my boss just gave me five 4:30 a.m.-1:00 p.m. shifts every week, almost knocking out forty hours every week. I wanted to scream. I cut my availibility, and she didn't respect that, so I just quit. my medical leave would have to be reimbursed back to sbux if I quit right after, so I'd rather just quit now. yes, in twenty two days I'm getting top surgery. :-) !!

I took the 94 home, and walked home for a bit in the heat. when I came home, I showered, did my skin routine, washed my binder, cleared up the kitchen table, took the trash out, changed the little, and washed the dishes. I smoked some weed and listened to some music. I've been trying to find some good stuff lately, I'm bored of all my music. plus, I like to send him songs that I think he'd personally like. I have to add like ten song of the weeks to the website, but that's kinda fun, right. wednesday and I fooled around for a while, cleaning, making choconanos. she went over to robi's for a while, while I worked on my zine.

like always, it's going to be about my mother. directly about love and my relationship to it. I've been scared of love a lot lately. last week, I tried to kill myself. I wasn't sucessful, but I detailed to people I love why I think I'm worth and insignificant and I made them cry. it feels like I hurt the people I love love love, but maybe that's not true. I'm barely good enough at being one person's girlfriend, how can I let someone else love me so tenderly? I can't shake the memory of being ask, "is it ok if I love you?" and I thought yes yes yes I want feel your love like a hot shower a pool of sunlight a million shocks going down my spine. I played dumb at first, but we caught each other later.

I hope I get to stay over tomorrow, it's almost a little routine of ours. maybe not, but I really hope so. I hope I can get the BYFA short done by the 27th, too. I told margot that I'd go visit her in nyc around then, but I don't think I can. I'm going to need a lot of time to finish this damn short film. I hope she doesn't get mad at me, I feel like I always make her feel like I don't care or something. I do, I'm just a terrible asshole, margot.