what a doozy this past week has been, huh? the holiday season has commenced in full swing, as covid cases start to surge again and. . .I think there are at least two new strains? oh god. I just got my booster shot, too, so I suppose that alleviates some of my worries. that shot took me the fuck out too, I was so tired and fatigued afterwards, and my arm hurt so bad. I got over it in a day, and it hit wednesday pretty delayed so she was miserable the day after me. apparently it also makes you boobs swell and grow but I wouldn't be able to find out anymore, thank god.
I went to rochester this week. it was honestly pretty awesome. I was really nervous wednesday to meet robi's dad for the first time as his girlfriend, and I'm also pretty sure he didn't remember me from past times where I've either hid in the bedroom or behind wednesday. he was so nice, he's such a dad. I can tell he loves robi a whole lot, which is nice. we got burger king, and I got aquainted to rochester cuisine - a "garbage plate." it's like when they stack all this fried, comfort food on top of each other and slather it with condiments of your choice. it's as awful (or awesome, if you're like wednesday) as it sounds. when I got to his parent's apartment, I met his siblings, his sister's boyfriend, and his mother. I was even more nervous for that. I thought robi's sister's boyfriend was a girl at first because I was so nervous, I was about to seriously ask where her boyfriend was. he was just quiet and had long hair. almost reminiscent of horse girl energy. his siblings were very kind to me, and his mom was, too. she spoke in italian a lot of the time, so I didn't really ever get what she was saying. I could understand some words with context from being fluent in spanish, but most of the time I was like ??? robi's sister's boyfriend also seemed used to it, though. robi says his mother and the boyfriend don't like each other, and looking back on it, it's funny to see how I can totally see it. thanksgiving meal was good, too. we had like half italian stuff and half american stuff, as opposed to wednesday's family thanksgiving, which typically is jamaican and american. it makes me feel so good that I have such loving people in my life who want their families to love me, too.
we slept in robi's bed a lot. his dad did the "uh uh where will she sleep" dance that parents do when I stay the night, but he was just like ah they're adults. its between them and god now. on our last day, his mother's 59th birthday, we went to the george eastman museum and saw some really wonderful shows. afterwards, we went to a diner that was converted into a restaurant from an old train car. we had so much food, I felt like I gained some pounds upstate. we then went back to his parent's apartment and made loose-y goose-y plans for the holidays. they invited me over for christmas/new years, but I think I will spend christmas in dc, and new years in baltimore. I will see if I can go with robi at some point during the non-holiday, but still break from school, break. I wish we got to stay for longer. I really had such a wonderful time. his family loves to take pictures--and they took so many of us! robi sent me some silly photos of my face looking at him, I'm smiling real big in all of them. I hope his family understands how much I love robi and how much I care for him. I think the whole world of him. I love you, robi!!! I'm so lucky to know you. I'm so lucky to love you. I'm so lucky to be loved by you.
we flew back, which was a whole experience in itself. weird guy staring, throwing up a lot. it was cold at BWI, my first time there. robi and I hugged to keep warm as wednesday pulled up to pick us up. I had missed her a lot, too. it was nice to come back home to her. we watch dead to me, which is honestly such a mediocre show for how sucked into it we are. linda cardinelli pulls a lot of that show's weight on her back. she's so sexy as a forty year old. I loved her in freaks in geeks, I saw that show in one whole day when I skipped school because my physics teacher made me feel so bad. I had such a big crush on her instantly. I cut my hair that day, I remember. I accident cut too much, but I think my parents never said anything. they noticed a lot more than they let on, but hey. their fault for not saying anything sooner, right? I grew into my dyke-y self right before their very eyes.
I was supposed to self administer a higher dosage of my mood stabilizer two weeks ago. explains maybe some things, but who knows. I found out that the easiest behavior to identify when I'm slipping on taking my meds is how hungry I get, and not just for anything, for TRASH. so much junk, my body needs that weird chemical boost.
currently waiting for robi to text me back to hang out. maybe he's asleep, who knows? I'm not looking forward to the walk there, it's so fucking cold now and I don't have a good winter coat. I'm too broke to buy one (she says as she throws her money away on weed, alcohol, and cigarettes.) maybe I'm compile some more cash with this new job, but I have to see how it all pans out. if I even get enough hours, if the tips are as good as they say. I'm thinking about going to the grocery by my apartment right now for a fancy bottle of friday night soju. maybe even on the sweet flavors this time, I usually like getting the grape which isn't as sweet as the peach or strawberry.
today I woke up and my cat would not stop caterwauling. that's the word of the day. caterwaul: make a shrill howling or wailing noise like that of a cat.
I rolled out of bed and ran down the main road towards the film centre, where my morning wednesday class takes place. I had all these small pieces of equipment to return, so I had my hands full the whole time, desperately trying to keep them from falling out of the arms. today was mostly a work day in my moving image class, and I put together a rough cut of my "mini fiction" assignment. it's just barely over two minutes, called apparition. it's robi playing on character whilst also playing a ghost that shows up in her reality. I'm not sure what I want to do for my final project, but I may expand on it. I orignally wanted to expand on the gender non-conforming "mini doc" I shot with aaron earlier this month, but I had a lot of fun with this narrative fiction piece.
I'm not sure what yet, though. I started a fiction shot list, but I'd need two actors who are comfortable which each other, and I'd like, but I may have to sacrifice this, comfortable with me. I like meeting new people, but it can be so awkward trying to explain the intimate details of my projects without feeling like an idiot. I know I have to get used to it, though. it's literally what I'm trying to go into for my career, filmmaking. I guess my small student projects feel so silly. I almost miss having drama students at my disposal like I had at nyu. there are no acting students here. my professor liked my work though, and did actually give me some really good pointers. I'm excited to see what the final product will be. I raised the exposure of every shot but a full stop in premiere and the noise isn't even that bad either. I'm going to see if I can do another stop, but that may be pushing it.
afterwards, there was the open house for my major. it was nice, I learned a lot and got really excited for the next semester. it was good to find out that a lot of the required courses I have to take as a film student don't have to be the EXACT course names. like I have to have an intro to sound class, but that could count if I took the "sound art" class instead. AND a film elective would count for 1/5 of my photo major if I actually end up pursuing it. there are only three full time faculty in my department, including the head. and she's so fucking nice. I hope to meet with her and get to know her more. the other two are cool, too. one of then is retiring after the spring (so ...then only two full time faculty members... my department is unbelievably small) and I really want to take his documentary class in the spring. if not, the other person seems really nice and her classes are also interesting. she's new, so it was nice to connect to that. I also learned about a workshop I could take for credits for the winter, which I may, but financial aid may be an issue. at least we got a free boxed lunch at the end. haha. also there are like twenty actual film majors at my school. everyone else is a minor or a "concentrator."
I got home, and honestly, this week hasn't been super dope. I got to have an important talk with a satisfying conclusion, though. like I just felt better after it, in a way I haven't in a bit. I messed around, avoided my drawing homework, and then got ready for class. now I'm sitting in modernisms, which is sooo boring. she said we'd be getting out early, but I don't know how early she meant. I'm thinking about the rest of this week. and next week, when I'm going to new york. I have a lot of feelings about it, but I'm sure it'll be all okay. I wonder if robi is having us sleep in his childhood bed. I feel like that's a very full circle moment.
I romanticize everything for no fucking reason. I will romanticize the hell of of raw-chess-tur. I love their accents, too. robi has a slight accent. I don't think I have one, even though I grew up in a location that's famous of their accent. I think it's because I grew up in a salvadoran pocket, a super concentrated town of immigrants, so that may have counter-balanced that. imagine if I said caw-free? just kidding. I definitely do.
here are some old tumblr textposts I found that I want to revisit:
what a monday night. I'm typing, guided by the glow of the red light bulb I randomly bought at the hardware store a couple of weeks ago. should I still even be awake? I don't have work or class tomorrow, but still. I'm not doing any productive, and I don't feel like I'm going to do anything productive soon, either. oh well. I just poked at my face way too fucking much again. I'm having an especially bad case of I missed my t shot too late, I drank a lot, and I smoked a LOT of cigarettes lately. when I move my face muscles, the deep under-the-skin pimples ache. I'm sorry, that's so gross to type out, but it's true. it's important I note this for documentation. this website serves as a loose transition journal. obviously, half my year hasn't been recorded on here, but I'm trying to be good for the rest of 2021. it's fun to journal on here, anyways. maybe for 2022, I will construct a new journal page layout. in a little over a month, this website will be a year old.
today was fine. I did all the dishes we've been putting off in a solid hour, listening to a new podcast by communist lesbians. they were recently, and still, getting dogpiled I think. from tikok and twitter, too, which sucks. tiktok, especially, probably. the content on there for so brain numbing, I'm not sure why people insist on having complicated discussions on there, really. it's really hard to follow so much information like that for me. those awful twelve video long chains. I wish more things on the internet had transcripts, especially when it comes to long pieces of audio that I have to follow along to. I've also been thinking a lot about accessibility in art because of school, so I've been noticing how often the podcasts and audio interviews my professor sends us for required class listening don't even have transcripts. a bit ironic, love.
I have a lot of work to do tomorrow. work on my weaving, my ink wash figure paintings, editing my footage, checking my art history class for readings I always put off, and then maybe thinking about how I'm going to build a sensory room. art school is fun. I've been picking a few more shifts up at my new job. it was nice, going there sunday. I get to just stand in the back of the kitchen, constantly washing dishes. I don't mind being on my feet for three to four hours, I just get to keep to myself. the only thing is that it gets really cold in one of the kitchens, because there's a door to exit right by the sink I work at. it has the tendency to allow for a strong draft to come through, and I can't layer up since I'm getting wet all over my arms. oh well.
still no word from him. I'm worried sick. did something awful on accident today, I feel like I grabbed a prickly pear again like I did once ago when I was thirteen. hannah and abbey sat with me in the stop and shop (I almost typed giant, that's what they call it here) sitting area, while pulling thin thorns out of the hand and laughing at me. I deserved it, I did it anyways with plenty warning. I don't even remember why I did it, I don't know why I didn't believe it'd hurt. it's his birthday soon... two weeks exactly. eighteen. a legal adult. I want to [my therapist will hear about this.]
I think about how I feel like I used to overshare so much. I certainly indulge in that old habit on here, but the anonymity (sans like five people I know) is such a nice blanket to cover under. now, I barely tell the people I talk to everyday the whole truth, unless I really have to, or I feel like I should morally. I don't like to tell people about my life in new york anymore. I just say I lost my housing there a couple of years ago, and I had to move here. I mention a brother if I'm feeling generous, but I know no one really cares to press further. I have no family, says my slow moving smile. I am so alone, my hands shake on endless seas of skin. I am a nobody person, I sing, but I don't think anyone ever hears. I like it that way.
I figured I needed to journal today. it's been a rough end of the week for me. content warning for sex talk and lack of consent.
I hard-blocked sonia's number and unmatched her on tinder because she skeeved me out too much. I've been still perusing the internet for more hook-ups, even though I have like 2 active partners that I JUST have sex with. That number sounds low, but I guess in the grand scheme of things I'm regularly fucking four people. a lot of my sexual behaviors still come out when I'm doing bad. this third sex-craze-I-have-bipolar-disorder-and-I'm-deranged wave has been the least harmful, imo, but still, I constantly question if I like having all this sex, or if I am slowly making myself feel worse under the guise if indulging and getting my ego boosted for two hours, before stumbling back home in the cold, wet night. all my sex is safe, and it's all with people I'm actually attracted to (cough, january-june 2020.) I think I do it when they ask without really thinking if I want it really. lying there and wondering why I'm not in my own bed, asleep at 2:30 am. sometimes its nice, sometimes I feel sick. I don't open up to my partners emotionally, really. I tell them little lies about myself and curate the exact image of myself I want them to have of me. keeping them at an arm's length is nice.
the ceramicist is sweet, but I think she's looking to date. but I don't think she'd date me. she's like twenty-five and I'm sitting there complaning about classes with freshmen. obviously, I'm not a freshman, and this age gap isn't honestly bad imo. I obviously am not really looking to date either, but she's super into the whole ~fake sweet pillow talk~ shit some hook-ups like to do, you know? when you're cuddling and giggling and being (retching) sweet but you're also like I barely know you, you only like me like this because you just came on me. so it irritates me sometimes, deep down, but I know she probably doesn't take me seriously at all. T is a different story. they're not into the fake-sweet stuff either, but lately they've been weirdly cuddly. we've been doing stuff for months now, I think. pre-top surgery even? I don't remember.
I briefly thought about ending things between us, and I still may. there are times where they just do things without really asking, or stopping to see if I'm fine. I brought it up once and they were like oh shit sorry. they haven't done anything like that since, but I'm still like whatever. I'm still showing up in your bed, right? it's like I don't think they're even that great, but that's what makes the sex so awesome. they know I don't really care for them past fucking, and I'm not really attached to them either. . .but is this self harm?
sonia just never asked me shit about myself, which honestly, didn't really bother me at first. if you're looking to get off quick with a fuck from me, I'm doing the exact same. but she was just like really weird and immediately noticed when I turned my read receipts off on the texting app. I just noticed that on that app it was still on, and I don't like having them on for personal reasons. but she badgered me about it, before realizing she probably was coming off as Red Flag Weird. then she just always talked about herself and when I tried to expressed my own views and opinions she barely ever acknowlegded what I said. she also was like you're seriously a girl and you take testostorone? lol. and she just started to be like "oh I have a lot of complex feelings about sex I've only been with pillow princesses who made me feel bad haven't had sex in two years my girlfriend has ptsd" suddenly and I was like o.k. this is TOO much for me.
I wonder if anyone enjoys reading my wildly personal sex entries. they're not even like details about actual sex I've had. just my complaints, which is honestly sooo on brand. wednesday came back home from elliot's right after I finished angsty journaling about hook ups. but I'm back now. I've been drinking the same iced coffee that I bought a couple of hours ago. they have their toasted white mocha flavor at dunkin. I prefer it to the one I used to drink at work when I was at starbucks, but honestly it's beem like a year since I've had it so who knows. today I woke up, I cried, and then ran errands with Wednesday.
my new job at the fancy schmancy place required me to buy non-slip shoes since I'm washing dishes--by the way, I'm a dishwasher. I was putting it off, but my manager texted me if I could come in for an early sunday shift. I need money so I said yes, even though I think the price of the shoes will be about how much I make tomorrow. oh well, it was needed. and also, if I get another job in a restaurant setting, I'll have non-slip shoes already. I got them at dsw, and I also stole a donut gibbit for my walmart crocs to make myself feel better for spending all the money. I picked up menthol misty's at rite aid, after clumsily trying to figure out what to try out. I wanted menthol capris, but the ones I got were fine. they weren't as slim as I wanted, but oh well. now that I'm not underage I have no problem sounding like an idiot trying to point out what I want. my id is actually mine, I am the idiot over twenty-one. then I got dunkin iced coffee and two donuts because they were out of the one I ordered and the girl was super nice. I have been feeling real shit lately, but that was such a kind gesture. wednesday got a popeye's meal because it was midday at that point.
I smoked by the window, then paced around listening to music and scrolling on twitter for two hours, before deciding to code. at five, I'm going to try resuming shooting my homework with robi, since the sun sets super early now and it's awesome and dark out at 4:30 :) ! I also did just smoke some weed, but I didn't want to get too high. I want to drink these margarita drinks I bought for robi and I last night, and smoking too much weed sometimes tires me out too much to enjoy being drunk later on. funny that this has happened to me enough that I know how to control when to take my substances of choice to get the best effect. hopefully, we finish and we get drunk and high and have a fun night being silly. I have an early shift tomorrow, but as someone who used to open at 5:30 am every sunday for a year, 9:15 is nothing. well, actually, I can't get too cocky, but I'm sure I'll be okay. okay, well now I'm going to see if I can update my songs of the week now. lol. wish me luck.
there's a lot of work I should be doing, but I'm not. in fact, in about four minutes I have an online therapy session. I don't know what I'm going to talk about. I do know that I'm going to ask her about one thing: can I get my tubes tied?
or my uterus removed, or whatever. I plan to go off of t at some point, I don't know when but I know I do want to stop. my year anniversary will be on 12/30/21. if I can get some sort of sex organ destruction surgery, the effects of t like weight distribution and *no menstrual cycle* will stay. the actual reversible effects of t. then I can be at peace. for real. lol.
I just coded my november journal page on a whim. who knows if I'll actually keep it up? god.