this is the last day of the year. I know it's really actually arbitrary to think that once the year ends, everything is reset and starts anew. that's why the end of the year doesn't feel as special anymore, but before, at least, it was an excuse to hang out with your friends and get fucked up. that is not happening this year, and it's not looking too hot for next new year's eve, too. well, we have three hundred and sixty-five days to see what happens then. last year maggie was over, and I think some of wednesday's friends, too, and that was when aaron and wednesday were roommates. I don't really remember who else was there, if I was sober, or how I was feeling. probably happy that maggie was there. what I do remember is that we rung in the new year by watching donnie darko, so I'm sorry, everyone, it was our fault that this year was absolute shit.
a year in review, everything I remember that was important, or at least stuck in my head. . .
just googled what it means when your cat slow blinks at you. I think someone told me what it meant, but I thought he was super tired. turns out he might love me, but maybe he is just really tired. he lets us spoon him now and he lets me kiss the top of his head. I love him a lot. he may not know it, but that's just fine. I'm still recovering from the drive wednesday had to go on with her mom for her nighttime driving hours. we had to keep the windows down, which is usually fine, but I was in the back, both back windows open, winter night, on the beltway. I had gwen stefani's 'what you waiting for' blasting in my ears, which almost made me feel like I want about to fly out of the car. it wasn't so bad after we went to trader joe's and didn't take the beltway back home. I bought prosciutto, bosch pears, this block of fancy brie that cost like $6, and dried apricots. those all remind me of charcuterie boards, which I love, but would never put all the money down at once to just buy all the things to make a really fancy one.
today was also my first day on testosterone. 30mg/a week. I feel I should've made a bigger deal about going on hrt but I don't know.. I don't know. honestly, it wasn't something I had talked to anyone about doing seriously until monday. my doctor had my labs taken for hrt months ago when I first went to her for a consultation for 'chest masculinization.' she brought it up again on monday and I was like you know what, yeah. I've wanted to so why am I not? and here I am, two days later, testosterone in me. strange. obviously, I consulted reddit for first-hand experiences. I know what it's probably going to do to me, but there's always that weird feeling of comfort when you read what some stranger felt when they were where you think you are. I thought I wanted to go on a low dose for a while, and eventually stop, but now I'm more interested in going higher and maybe going steady from there. but it's only literally less than ten hours of being on t so who knows.
we're watching the 20th season of ANTM and it's between the dorkiest, corny #sensitiveguy who cries on literally every episode and the most bland, boring blonde white girl who keeps complaining about how boring everyone sees her. they should've never let guys on ANTM, they ruin the chances of there being more catty, bitchy women on the show. anyways, the winner is about to be announced. . .the winner is. . .COMMERCIAL BREAK. . .just kidding, it's on hulu. the winner was. . .the boring white girl. why do I still watch this show past season four? no one's doing it like adrianne, eva, yoanna, and hell, even naima. season one is heaven.
it's my day off today. I have tomorrow off, too, but I have important things to do. I always appreciate waking up at 8, 9 am on my days off, instead of the usual 4, 5 am. I smoked a lot of weed today, more than I usually ever do anymore. I don't know if lithium affects my tolerance, but it feels like it does. it's never been this high. it's nice, I lie on my back feel my self fall through the bed and through the floor
yesterday I took the bus for the first time in a long while. I've been biking to work, and if not, sometimes my coworker gives me rides there. she's nice, she's one of those people who will keep talking to you no matter what. you can see how that can be irritating at 4:30 am, but I got used to her and now I think she's neat. 'got used to her' sounds a bit harsh, but I feel that way about most people. 'get used to' just means getting used feeling comfortable around a person I don't trust yet
it took me from hampden to mt. vernon, the silver. it takes the same route as the 95, the regular bus I used to take. I forgot how much I loved that route, I always sit on the left, and look out the right windows. the rainbow rowhouses in charles village are my favorite. charles village is a strange place for me, at least for the time being
it had been a long while since I thought about those things, but as things that happen to you that really suck, they resurface when you don't ever want them to. what has been done cannot be undone. I wrote a lot about it yesterday, but all I can think of is "I should tell him off, but I think we don't have any use for each other anymore," and so I try and move on and hate myself less and less
the worst thing was when it all finished and I tried to tell myself I liked it because I don't remember not liking it, but then I had to accept that I remembered nothing at all. all those joints, right? then what was worse was that once I stopped it, there was just another nineteen year old in my place. I should said something, I should've stopped him from doing it again. but finally, the worst possible thing ever, is that being with him (& others) completely obliterated my self image. I didn't know how to see myself for months
I do know how to see myself, a bit, now. maybe. all my life, my body has been this unknown being I occupy, and I never learned how to get used to it. there was never any adjusting, and becoming comfortable, and trusting. once I grew older and learned a small fraction of knowing my own body, then I shattered it real bad this year. I had never realized what it meant to be... well, essentially, a woman who is available to men. I then had left what I have come back to now, once again, that I just happen to be unavailable to men. being a lesbian and all
but to be that person, to be seen by and consumed by all kinds of men. for a few months when we were still open, I have no intention of seeing anyone else, but I'd still be active, still baiting, still searching for the attention of men, something I had never really come to do before. and it was like this kind of sick form of self harm. the more I did it, the easier it was to hate myself
but as time went on, and I'm mostly ok now. my body is always changing, I don't think it's ever supposed to stay the same. especially now. no more tits for me, which means no more fckn binding. also, tomorrow might be my first day on testosterone. it all depends on insurance authorizations, but if it doesn't work out for tomorrow, it'll be within the week. I keep thinking about how strange is it. this physical transition of mine
besides all the good I'm looking towards, the same way I have been all my life, I cannot deny that I'm glad to finally be able to shed this body that has been consumed and throw whatever is left away