december 31st, 7:10 pm

this is the last day of the year. I know it's really actually arbitrary to think that once the year ends, everything is reset and starts anew. that's why the end of the year doesn't feel as special anymore, but before, at least, it was an excuse to hang out with your friends and get fucked up. that is not happening this year, and it's not looking too hot for next new year's eve, too. well, we have three hundred and sixty-five days to see what happens then. last year maggie was over, and I think some of wednesday's friends, too, and that was when aaron and wednesday were roommates. I don't really remember who else was there, if I was sober, or how I was feeling. probably happy that maggie was there. what I do remember is that we rung in the new year by watching donnie darko, so I'm sorry, everyone, it was our fault that this year was absolute shit.

a year in review, everything I remember that was important, or at least stuck in my head. . .

  1. we took maggie to the BMA, I wore a blazer, my hair was a grey-brown I don't know how to achieve again and it kills me
  2. I moved into the copycat, the first official apartment I paid rent for, the shittiest place I'll probably ever live (not in terms of roommates, or anything, the place was just literally coming apart & had pests)
  3. we took edibles and went to the national aquarium, a stellar memory
  4. I met him when I shouldn't have
  5. I met a different person, terrible in a different way, we shouldn't have met
  6. shut downs start happening, last place I went with lots of folks was teen art group
  7. sylvia comes to visit, and she's the last friend from out of state that I've seen since
  8. we leave baltimore, quarantine in dc with wednesday's family
  9. I meet (virtually, but later in person) another person, not terrible, not great, just sad, and I still regret it now (responsible for probably all of the nudes I have taken this year, and I wish I wasn't so easily persuaded. I'm 20, I'm adult, so I feel like I could've just... not. I have to delete any I see in my camera roll every time I look for something else, I feel sick I feel sick sick sick)
  10. wednesday cuts my hair into a mullet!
  11. I got back home, work starts back up, but it's only four or five of us. we only do ubereats orders. how I miss that time back in april. . .we would deep clean and then I would take the fridge out and lie on top of it and groan out of boredom. I took it for granted
  12. I live alone in baltimore for a while. . .wednesday finishes up her studies in dc, aaron is back in ct, robi in ny, and joz. . .I don't remember if she was still here, but at that time I don't think we were close enough to just hang on our own. I wish I just asked though, we could've. I made some stupid choice and decided to sooth my loneliness by letting others... well... :(
  13. but she returns at the end of may! how wonderful
  14. it's the first real hot day of the year, I shave the sides of my mullet, my bangs dip dangerously close into baby bang territory. . .probably my least favorite hair style of the year
  15. I start to bake for pleasure :-) I made cardamom carrot cake with cardamom cheese cake frosting! (can you tell I love cardamom, lol, I still use it lots)
  16. and I meet the last person I regret meeting this year. what a bang, what mistakes I made. but hey, you live and you learn. this person may have been the least worse out of the bunch, based solely on the fact that she was 21 when I was 19. the smallest gap I had been in outside of my actual relationship. I think a lot of these people were just lonely, and I was really lonely. but I should've just tried harder to actually take care of my fucking head, but it was so easy to let someone 'love' (why did you say love? why would you say that to me? we never were in love, you know I never cared for you like that. it feels good to just flat out-right say it, but in the end, it still feels like you all won. you got what you needed from me, didn't you?) you, when even when they said it you would cringe and gag and want to die and yet... there you'd lie down, smiling quietly, still wondering why you still felt so empty
  17. I'm looped back in, I'm looped back in, I take care of the first person who used me
  18. I meet bernie!
  19. we go apartment hunting
  20. it gets real bleak, at no one's fault. I hop between hot, hot dc, the back of people's cars, my job, and hiding from everything and everyone for hours in my bed. I smoke a lot of cigarettes.
  21. she returns, we sleep in my small, fucked up apartment for almost a week, but it's fine. I have never felt more relieved.
  22. I ask wednesday to cut my mullet off. I have short hair again. I didn't want it at first, but my ends were too fried, and after it grows out for a bit, it's just fine.
  23. I move in with wednesday, it's just us. the apartment has been cleaned, like really fucking clean. a few days of intensive moving, a trip to target on edibles, stringing the apartment with fairy lights just because we can.
  24. I actually remember when sarah and tony came to visit, and they probably had sex on our couch.
  25. I dye my hair with the same dye wednesday has in her hair right now, and I shave my eyebrows off. I want to do it again, but for right now, I'm cool with just bleaching them every two weeks.
  26. I get my first and last case of white claw.
  27. wednesday turns twenty! I make her an insanely indulgent triple chocolate cheesecake.
  28. wednesday's mom takes us somewhere in rural maryland, very beautiful, very scary. I bid my farewell to the charleston
  29. I start talking to hannah once again and all is good in the world
  30. the pumpkin swirl flavor comes to dunkin donuts, I dye my hair purple, and we head to cape cod
  31. the house is old and wonderful and amazing and I learn how to swim and how to paddle and how to kayak and how to play all these weird games and I see a full night sky with stars for the first fucking time. I had only lived in places with light pollution before. I cried, I think
  32. I turn 20, rbg dies
  33. back home, wednesday makes me insanely comfortable patchwork pants
  34. I get a kewpie lamb on my arm
  35. uh-oh. . .I get two handles of liquor
  36. oscar reaches out to me, we get closure, we are not close, but we keep each other updated
  37. I learn to crochet! . . .I still have to finish that vest
  38. I dress up for halloween for the first time. I'm the girl from the ring, I finally become what everyone in school constantly told me I looked like
  39. I buy a $400 bike. I love that fucking bike
  40. I end it with her, she made me feel way too fucking grimy, and she said something much too fucked up for me to forgive and forget
  41. we celebrate two years of being in love
  42. bagel bite lets me into his life
  43. it snows, for real, my first baltimore snow, it's wonderful, it was so beautiful
  44. I talk to my brother again, the first contact we had in eighteen months, I wish I did it so much sooner, but I am happy regardless
  45. I start this website! after deleting all of my social medias except for one, to keep up with my friends back in new york (& their respective other places) the idea of having a space on the internet where I can be unapolegtically honest and vulnerable was perfect. and I am so happy I've done it
  46. I started testosterone injections two days before the new year.

  47. smell ya later, 2020
    december 30th, 11:40 pm

    just googled what it means when your cat slow blinks at you. I think someone told me what it meant, but I thought he was super tired. turns out he might love me, but maybe he is just really tired. he lets us spoon him now and he lets me kiss the top of his head. I love him a lot. he may not know it, but that's just fine. I'm still recovering from the drive wednesday had to go on with her mom for her nighttime driving hours. we had to keep the windows down, which is usually fine, but I was in the back, both back windows open, winter night, on the beltway. I had gwen stefani's 'what you waiting for' blasting in my ears, which almost made me feel like I want about to fly out of the car. it wasn't so bad after we went to trader joe's and didn't take the beltway back home. I bought prosciutto, bosch pears, this block of fancy brie that cost like $6, and dried apricots. those all remind me of charcuterie boards, which I love, but would never put all the money down at once to just buy all the things to make a really fancy one.

    today was also my first day on testosterone. 30mg/a week. I feel I should've made a bigger deal about going on hrt but I don't know.. I don't know. honestly, it wasn't something I had talked to anyone about doing seriously until monday. my doctor had my labs taken for hrt months ago when I first went to her for a consultation for 'chest masculinization.' she brought it up again on monday and I was like you know what, yeah. I've wanted to so why am I not? and here I am, two days later, testosterone in me. strange. obviously, I consulted reddit for first-hand experiences. I know what it's probably going to do to me, but there's always that weird feeling of comfort when you read what some stranger felt when they were where you think you are. I thought I wanted to go on a low dose for a while, and eventually stop, but now I'm more interested in going higher and maybe going steady from there. but it's only literally less than ten hours of being on t so who knows.

    we're watching the 20th season of ANTM and it's between the dorkiest, corny #sensitiveguy who cries on literally every episode and the most bland, boring blonde white girl who keeps complaining about how boring everyone sees her. they should've never let guys on ANTM, they ruin the chances of there being more catty, bitchy women on the show. anyways, the winner is about to be announced. . .the winner is. . .COMMERCIAL BREAK. . .just kidding, it's on hulu. the winner was. . .the boring white girl. why do I still watch this show past season four? no one's doing it like adrianne, eva, yoanna, and hell, even naima. season one is heaven.

    december 29th, 11:10 pm

    it's my day off today. I have tomorrow off, too, but I have important things to do. I always appreciate waking up at 8, 9 am on my days off, instead of the usual 4, 5 am. I smoked a lot of weed today, more than I usually ever do anymore. I don't know if lithium affects my tolerance, but it feels like it does. it's never been this high. it's nice, I lie on my back feel my self fall through the bed and through the floor

    yesterday I took the bus for the first time in a long while. I've been biking to work, and if not, sometimes my coworker gives me rides there. she's nice, she's one of those people who will keep talking to you no matter what. you can see how that can be irritating at 4:30 am, but I got used to her and now I think she's neat. 'got used to her' sounds a bit harsh, but I feel that way about most people. 'get used to' just means getting used feeling comfortable around a person I don't trust yet

    it took me from hampden to mt. vernon, the silver. it takes the same route as the 95, the regular bus I used to take. I forgot how much I loved that route, I always sit on the left, and look out the right windows. the rainbow rowhouses in charles village are my favorite. charles village is a strange place for me, at least for the time being

    it had been a long while since I thought about those things, but as things that happen to you that really suck, they resurface when you don't ever want them to. what has been done cannot be undone. I wrote a lot about it yesterday, but all I can think of is "I should tell him off, but I think we don't have any use for each other anymore," and so I try and move on and hate myself less and less

    the worst thing was when it all finished and I tried to tell myself I liked it because I don't remember not liking it, but then I had to accept that I remembered nothing at all. all those joints, right? then what was worse was that once I stopped it, there was just another nineteen year old in my place. I should said something, I should've stopped him from doing it again. but finally, the worst possible thing ever, is that being with him (& others) completely obliterated my self image. I didn't know how to see myself for months

    I do know how to see myself, a bit, now. maybe. all my life, my body has been this unknown being I occupy, and I never learned how to get used to it. there was never any adjusting, and becoming comfortable, and trusting. once I grew older and learned a small fraction of knowing my own body, then I shattered it real bad this year. I had never realized what it meant to be... well, essentially, a woman who is available to men. I then had left what I have come back to now, once again, that I just happen to be unavailable to men. being a lesbian and all

    but to be that person, to be seen by and consumed by all kinds of men. for a few months when we were still open, I have no intention of seeing anyone else, but I'd still be active, still baiting, still searching for the attention of men, something I had never really come to do before. and it was like this kind of sick form of self harm. the more I did it, the easier it was to hate myself

    but as time went on, and I'm mostly ok now. my body is always changing, I don't think it's ever supposed to stay the same. especially now. no more tits for me, which means no more fckn binding. also, tomorrow might be my first day on testosterone. it all depends on insurance authorizations, but if it doesn't work out for tomorrow, it'll be within the week. I keep thinking about how strange is it. this physical transition of mine

    besides all the good I'm looking towards, the same way I have been all my life, I cannot deny that I'm glad to finally be able to shed this body that has been consumed and throw whatever is left away

I'd like to return home.